Sinister: develop, stop, fix, think

[Will Salt]

this is going to be another one of those personal, diary type posts with
little if any content.  if you demand content in your reading, turn away
now.







i'm feeling a bit reflective and thoughtful tonight.

my grandmother died this afternoon.

over the past few years, she was moved into nursing homes.  she started
forgetting where and when she was.  she couldn't walk, and just before she
died she couldn't eat either.  it happened just as i was moving away from
home, so i would see her maybe once or twice a year.  each time she would
be smaller, less confident, more unhappy, less sure of where she was.

people would visit, and she would not know who they were.  she would think
they were old friends, people who died decades ago.  She would burst into
tears, because she would think she had been talking to her brother, but
would then remember that he had been shot down over frankfurt fifty-seven
years before.

i last saw her three weeks ago.  i walked into the day room of the nursing
home, and didn't recognise her.  when we left, she was crying.  i said
"i'll see you again", but i didn't think i would.  i think she knew too.
at least she had known who i was.


before i left home, i had travelled round and round my home town taking
pictures of everything i could.  buildings, parks, landscapes, weather,
people.  i only have one photograph of my grandmother, though, and it
isn't very good.  a lot of the things i took pictures of then have
disappeared now, but i'm not so bothered about buildings.

today, tomorrow, or next week, i will put more film in my camera and go
out and photograph everyone and everything i know.  tomorrow, they might
not be there anymore.  i shall stand in the darkroom and count out seconds
of light.

the other week, i was reading through some old sinister posts that i'd
kept.  one was about someone who'd worked in a nursing home, and knew how
horrible it was.  one was: what will happen when we are all old ourselves?
will we be sitting in a home all together, listening to B+S as we forget
who and where we are?  nursing homes are horrible, horrible places, but we
have to face up to them.  we are all going to be ancient one day.  maybe
we can all collapse together.

i shall stop taking up your precious, precious time.  i shall take your
photograph instead.



xx  gneiss


-- 
Will Salt

ICQ 66321009

+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
    +---+  Brought to you by the undead Sinister mailing list  +---+
    To send to the list mail sinister at missprint.org. To unsubscribe
    send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to
    majordomo at missprint.org.  WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister
 +-+  "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "tech-heads and students"  +-+
 +-+  "the cardie wearing biscuit nibbling belle & sebastian list"  +-+
 +-+       "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper        +-+
 +-+   "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000   +-+
 +-+       "peculiarly deranged fanbase" "frighteningly named       +-+
 +-+           Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000           +-+
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+