Sinister: B+S content, how to solve your student loan debts, and starsigns

[idleberry]

Hi all,

Okay.
A few things to say.
I know how to write a crappy novel, that will sell
millions to the readership of Cosmopolitan.
How?
Heres the thing:
Heroine. Give her a cool name. Bryony, or Lise, or
um... *thinks* Alexandra, or something like that. Read
Cosmo's contributor/Editor/make up artist name thing
(where it says who does what in order of rank and good
looks out of ten, and how to subscribe to a magazine
that tells you you need to improve cos he won't stay
unless you do X, Y, and Z! ) for ideas for names.
(This instantly guarantees you a review if you use a
name that a member of their staff is called). Heroine
is slightly dotty, hates her current job (works in
something like PR, journalism, publishing, marketing,
Law), mid way through book goes for a career change or
at least job interviews. Some of which, she mucks up
in the most outrageous fashion. If you're stuck for
ideas, read any womans mag in the section where they
print embarrassing true stories. (Not as good as the
ones in the mens mags, but there you go. VPLs,
lipstick on teeth, that sort of drivel) She either
begins the novel in a bad relationship, and gets
dumped for some young hot thing, or she is single and
desperate. Both ideally. She also has lots of baths,
shops in Whistles, and posh London places like that,
but no chanel for her, please, shes a modern girl, and
she needs to shop expensively, but realistically. So
anything designery that Kate Moss would model is out
of the Question. But no Topshop or River Island or
Miss Selfridge. Constantly wishes she was 20 again.
Clever, but reads glossy mags. She is in her late
twenties, early thirties. Has a biological timebomb
for getting married, but whines she never meets he
right one. Is up to her eyeballs in overdraft and
expenses. Her flat is quite messy. She can't afford
the things she really wants. Gets fed up listening to
posh pals afford the things she wants. Part way
through, she appears on Daytime TV. Or the News. Or
Crimewatch UK. 
Hero: successful business slick sexy man, head of his
own company preferably. PR, communications, Law,
whatever. It has to sound cool. And give him a good
name. Bob or Dave won't do. (sorry to any Bob's and
Daves, but its the way of the world.) He meets the
heroine. They argue about things fiercely (setting up
for explosive fireworks in bed, y'see) she does silly
things in front of him (again, read embarrassing true
life stories ) like she gets chatted up by some
dipstick, or her knickers fall down, or both at the
same time, all must be set in formal locations:
offices, court rooms, restaurants, that sort of thing.
He gives her various looks of confusion and "eh?!"
sort of thing. She thinks for a while he fancies her,
she thinks he doesn't, she thinks he fancies her
again, she hates him, they shag.
Her pals: one MUST be infinately prettier than anyone
ever. Long legs, nice chest that sort of thing. Gods
gift to blokes. Another must be all fiery and sparky
and stuff and not ashamed to speak her mind, til half
way through the book, she lets down her strong "men!
Pah!" exterior to reveal she trully wants to settle
down and have babies, shes showing her sensitive side.
One pal must be extremely rich. And she has lots of
extremely rich pals too, and they go pony riding, and
to the gym, and on holiday with ooh... um.... which
ever celebrity couple are still together when you
write this. And they all go out occasionally with
heroine and heroine gets drunk with them and bored.
A couple of Duds: they must be either not particularly
attractive or anything. Call them Bob and Dave if you
must. She will go on the odd date with them. One shall
brag about doing it with her (lie? optional. Probably
a lie though.)the other is rich but boring. She tries
hard to like them, but she can't bring herself to do
it.
Parents: Mum is mad, extravagant, OTT, watches too
much Ricki Lake and Oprah and gets reality and TV
mixed up. Dad likes pottering in the garden. Mum asks
daughter when shes going to settle down, and tries to
help in bizarre ways.
And bang them all together, with a happy ending. Don't
forget, that the hero has to perhaps educateher into
being a little more reserved somehow, in what ever
area shes not reserved enough in. Its a fast track
success to millions. You are the NEW Helen Fielding.
On the other hand, The Sunday times says that
Get-Rich-Quick schemes are not good this year
(horoscope thing) i.e. that whole dotcom millionaire
thing is going to go down again. No gold
there,apparently. Oh, and this year its fashionable to
be a Scorpio or Pisces. (I don't understand where they
get the logic to decide what starsign is
fashionable!!)
 
MOVING SWIFTLY ON...CONTENT THING...
Oh, B+S were a question on the Big Breakfast this
morning. You'll guess who, so I won't both saying
"Guess who!! You'll never guess!". Yes, it was Faye
from Steps. "Which Scottish indie band beat you at the
1999 Brit Awards for best newcomers?". I would have
rephrased that. 
"Which band from Scotland, deservedly whipped your
manufactured shiny plastic arses into place with the
help of their computer literate fans, unlike yours who
aren't old enough to read, to win the 1999 Brit
Awards?" You agree? of course you do. (Mind reading is
a speciality right now.)

I have a headache now, cos I can read all your minds.
And yes, I know exactly what one Sinisterian from
Manchester is planning to do with that cucumber right
now, and it isn't pretty. So I'm off to let you digest
this mess.

Love,
Idles






=====
http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/corduroysmoke  we're all smoking our corduroys in our secret little b+s club- what are you doing??

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Get email at your own domain with Yahoo! Mail. 
http://personal.mail.yahoo.com/
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
    +---+  Brought to you by the undead Sinister mailing list  +---+
    To send to the list mail sinister at missprint.org. To unsubscribe
    send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to
    majordomo at missprint.org.  WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister
 +-+  "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "tech-heads and students"  +-+
 +-+  "the cardie wearing biscuit nibbling belle & sebastian list"  +-+
 +-+       "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper        +-+
 +-+   "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000   +-+
 +-+       "peculiarly deranged fanbase" "frighteningly named       +-+
 +-+           Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000           +-+
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+