Sinister: Necrophilia Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry

[Laura Llew]

Has anyone else noticed that Madeline has posted twice since the poetry 
parrot arrived at her doorstep, and yet not a peep from the pfeathered 
pfledgling? Rumor has it that Madeline has a frisky feline as a pet. I fear 
that our foul fowl has now been turned into a Parker Parfait, a topping for 
Longfellow Linguini, or Sandburg Stew after it was snuck upon by little cat 
feet...

Of course, this mischief is no surprise (nor great according to Mr. MacLeod) 
with the deviant doings of late. Take Primitive Painter's new brain love 
child of Hipflask whose first single will be "Dead Dog On Wheels."  Violent 
Vegans indeed! Of course, it's probably better that y'all don't speak of 
being vegetarian frequently. Hearing about such things always increases my 
consumption of meat. I'll be out at a restaurant about to order pasta and 
then all of a sudden I will think of all you poor pasty face vegetarians in 
your cuffed trousers and pointed collars out there who can't enjoy a good 
grilled chicken sandwich or nibble on a hamburger. And to think of being 
vegan where it's not just meat you're deprived of. Make that a quarter 
pounder WITH cheese!

Primitive Painter panted, "... to Miss Llew. She's all for Hipflask -so much 
so that we have made her an honourary member. She will be the first person 
to hear what we have to offer."

I can't say I'm for hipflask as much as I'm all for hearing what boys to 
offer*. I only hope it doesn't turn out to be two stale jammie dodgers, some 
lint, and an old ticket stub to a matinee before Primitive Painter dedicated 
his life to pleasing lares and penates.

I *finally* am now the proud of owner of Belle and Sebastian's latest album. 
(You keen observers will note I did not say single. You unkeene observers 
will only note that you're not wearing any clothes and you have no 
recollections of why or where you got that tattoo of a Richard Simmons 
likeness on your upper inner thigh.) Ok, ok so it's been over a year since 
the Fold Your Hands.. was released but I'm southern and I'm SUPPOSED to be 
behind the times. It's not laziness - it's heritage! (Yeah - so just be 
thankful I'm not backward as well & referring to them as Sebastian and 
Belle.) Trying to obtain the latest single has now been added to my list of 
TRAUMATIC EVENTS OF SUMMER 2001 right under waking up last Tuesday morning 
to a wolf spider (think of a tarantula which works out) trying to tap me a 
happy good morning on the tip of my nose.  I was informed by my local record 
shop that they don't "do" singles.
Me: You don't "do" singles?
Her: No
Me: You can't even order one for me?
Her: No
Me: Is there anything I can say here from my dazzling reptoire to make me 
sound clever and witty while making you out to be a dimwitted clod who 
refuses to help a poor musically deprived girl who has a propensity to pout?
Her: No

It was sad. I bought Johnny Cash's American III and grew sadder. My latest 
plan is to get Johnny Cash to come live with me. Whenever I snap my right 
hand, he'll sing me a ballad. After a while, Will Oldham will learn of this 
and come to join us. Then whenever I snap my left hand, he'll take his cue. 
Both hands snapping - voila'  I See A Darkness!

Until I can convince the Man In Black that he wants to ditch that hag June 
to spend the rest of his years with moi, I suppose I shall have to settle 
with having my bedroom become a regular venue for bands when they tour. Oh 
yes! Gavin (James McGregor Dunbar) from Camera Obscura (CO.UK) and The Bass 
Player (ala' That Thing You Do style) from Elixir have both agreed to play 
Laura Llew's Bedroom should they ever tour the US. I suspect Sebastian and 
Belle will be jumping on the bandwagon any day now.

Arik Airated: "laura llew and i are having a b&s gig in her bedroom in north 
carolina, and none of you are invited ;-P. well, actually, there is one open 
spot for a luck attendee but you have to sit on a possibly leather chair and 
you need to prove yourself worthy. my suggestion is to enter the amazing 
transatlantic mix tape contest and try to convince her llewness of your 
extreme worthiness and wonder. all sales final. the management is not 
responsible for personal injury or lost
property. thank you for your patronage" which brings me to....

******TRANSATLANTIC MIX TAPE CHALLENGE OF 2001******

After a torrent of excuses flooded in, the mix tape contest has finally 
gotten it's second wind. Of course, it's not too late to enter either! I've 
decided to have winners from each round and then to decide the ULTIMATE 
winner from those. So ahead from round one are the Brilliant Bill Harris, 
the Wry Rachel Walther, and Jer from Cornell.  Of course, I haven't let 
loose the fury of Carsmile Steve or the subtle tauntings of Jenny Payne or 
the fierceness of the boy from Ireland whose name I can't pronounce but it 
looks something like Grainne.

Ken Chu, where are you?

Laura
'meeting all of your Laura Llew needs since 1977'

Honorable Mentions:
*Will Porter once offered me Good Press. Or maybe he thanked me for good 
press. Either which way I have now twisted the meaning & filed it away for 
use at another time. Beware Mr.. Porter - You have been warned.
Jimmy G - I hope you're wearing in your leisure suit while frolicking in 
London. Thanks for letting me review rape you.
Bill Harris - I started reading one of your recommended reads today. There 
was Woo-age. There was Hoo-age.
Lawrence "The Milkman" Mikkelsen - Thanks for the track list to the B&S 
compilation album. Ok, so I really just wanted a chance to refer to you as 
the milkman again. Tee hehe.
Madeline for having a great cat. Meowwwww
Sanders - for calling me a friend and then never writing me back. You're 
such a boy.
Honey - I love my car TOO.
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 +-+       "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper           +-+
 +-+  "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+
 +-+    "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000     +-+
 +-+  "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000  +-+
 +-+  "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001   +-+
 +-+               Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa                 +-+
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