Sinister: sinister encounters

[Robin Stout]

Hello, it's me! Yes me! You know, the one with the - that's right - and the 
"monkey beans". Yes. That's me! I've been condemned to the sulphurous depths 
of List Purgatory for a few weeks, after forgetting to resubscribe when I 
left University, and am still rather sore. It's terrible down there in the 
fiery depths, I can tell you! Honey danced on all my soft spots wearing her 
stiletto heels and made me call her "mummy". Oh! The indignity!

So I'm here in Kidderminster, working in the petrol station again. It's not 
totally boring here, though. We found a shrew in the petrol station last 
week. Today I had to fill up for a lady who was allergic to petrol. On 
Wednesday the lady on the fish counter married her late husband's brother 
and he died the same evening. Honest. That's pretty dramatic, but it is 
mostly boring here. Anyway, those girls on the fish counter are all the 
same.

I rather terrified a customer last week because she was wearing a Belle and 
Sebastian bus t-shirt - a brown one - and the shock of seeing one of these 
in Kidderminster almost made my feet fall off. People round here only saw 
toothbrushes for the first time last year, and they still only use them to 
polish their mangles. Well, I confronted the girl.

"Hey! Belle and Sebastian! I saw them in London last Friday!"
"Oh, I see"
"Oh yes! They were dead ace!"
"Have they got a new single out then?"
"Er, yes."
"I don't really listen to them anymore. I just wear this because I like the 
bus."
"Oh"
"Can I have a receipt, please?"

Ah, the concert last Friday. Well I suppose it's the Friday before last now. 
It was fun. I really enjoyed all the songs, especially Lazy Line Painter 
Jane and I Love My Car. Even though the band were tiny from where I stood, 
and even though no one else was standing where I stood, let alone *dancing*.

Thank you Sarah, Alix and Vibri, by the way, for having me stay in your 
house and sleep in the incredibly comfortable bed. And hello to everyone I 
met, whether you were from Finland or from just down the road.

The recorded voices on the tube are okay, I feel almost certain they do want 
me to mind the gap, but the man at Birmingham New Street who tells me he is 
very sorry that my train has been cancelled is a liar. He's not sorry at 
all. I was walking through Nottingham one time and heard a van parked in 
front of McDonalds. It was a Securicor van and its electronic voice was 
saying, ever so calmly, "Help! Help! This vehicle is being attacked. Please 
call the police!" Nobody believed it, so they carried on walking. The driver 
had been locked inside automatically and looked embarrassed. I didn't call 
the police either. I went home and ate some mashed potato.

Robin x

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