Sinister: my crimes are biting me in the arse

[Kirsten Kenyon]

  i went to apply for another job today.  it is a receptionist job, 
which might not be so bad because receptionists in movies are always 
sitting around filing their nails and yawning, and while i have never 
filed my nails in my life, i do like to yawn.  part of the 
application required that you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 for 
each in a column of adjectives.  there was another girl applying for 
the job, and she leaned over quietly...
  girl: psst! what does 'assertive' mean?
  kirsten: well, to be assertive is to be despicably lazy, and also 
incompetent.
  girl: ooh, i better give myself only a one or a two on that one.
  kirsten: yes, definitely.  and good luck to you.
 no, i'm just kidding, i didn't say that but it took an unbelievable 
amount of self-control.  at that point in the application process, i 
was reasonably certain that i had a decent chance of getting the job 
over this girl, but then i got to the part about criminal 
convictions, and i legally had to elaborate upon my night in the 
slammer with tangueray the crack pusher and the mousy woman who had 
killed her children. i was only in for underage drinking.  (when 
tangueray discovered this fact, she was able to use her massive size 
and her hardened criminal status to gain the rights to my morning 
coffee and muffin, plus the ability to jab me in the ribs at any time 
and make me hold a curtain in front of the toilet while she relieved 
herself.)  it was the most idiotic night, but i still felt sorry to 
see that part of my application all filled in while the other girl's 
was blank and pure and righteous-looking.  
 the battle is on:  knowledge of basic vocabulary vs. virtue.  i'll 
announce the victor in ten to fourteen business days.
  kirsten


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