Sinister: We went on a Summer Holiday

[Madeleine McNeil]

**HOLIDAYS**

God bless Bed and Breakfasts. I had some lovely times in silent, tense 
dining rooms trying very hard not to drop the coffee pot or spill ketchup 
down my front (asking for the ketchup itself was very embarrassing, but what 
on earth is the point of a fried brekkie without sauce?). My mum and I 
talked to each other but all the other people who had gone on holiday seemed 
to be quite fed up of each other. When we weren't talking we stared out of 
the 12 ft by 12 ft window at the sea. The house had been built on the cliff 
top for a lady artist with more monet than talent and was a splendid tribute 
to grand gestures and folly. I loved it.

The sea was beautiful and turbulent and it made my heart race like I was on 
a fairground ride. The spray flew up over the end of the pier that I was 
standing on and I kept wanting to get closer and closer to the waves or even 
jump in. What is this compulsion to do foolish things? Is there a name for 
it other than 'youth'?

I lay on the beach in St Ives and saw a fellow wearing an Amper Sands T 
shirt. I had meant to wear mine that day but didn't for some reason and 
ended up in a short top that kept riding up and showing my stomach that had 
got all fat from fish and chips and fudge. My brother frolicked in the sea 
with his girlfriend and make me feel quite uncomfortable with their PDAs. 
They *droop* and *fawn* over each other. There are many reasons why I 
dislike this behaviour. I shall not bother to explain and attempt to justify 
them. Suffice to say, I am a prude who does not find it necessary to know 
that other people are sexually active. I'd like to think I am joking, but I 
fear I am not.

**SIMON ARMITAGE**

Big shakes to everyone who has advised me as to what to look for, etc. 
especially PeetSketchSteve, who make me a tape. I am saving it to listen to 
in bed tonight. Thank you very much.

**SENILITY**

I appear to have caught senilty of my mother, my grandmother or aunt sadie. 
Or perhaps all three. Whilst on holiday with my mum, she only annoyed me 
seriously three times. These were: when she pulled and pulled so hard on a 
door that should be pushed that the handle fell off (this happened while I 
was standing on the other side of the door saying "Push, Woman! Push!"); her 
deafness and her complete lack of spatial awareness. I am no mistress at the 
art of knowing right from left myself, but if it weren't for me, she's still 
be walking in circles round Penzance train station. Anyway, I feel like I am 
turning into her. My hips ache and I keep forgetting things and spilling 
things and I cried the other day because I felt ill, which made me feel even 
stupider. And then I was sick, which send the stupidometer off the scale.

**THE MARMITE DEBATE SETTLED (ONCE AND FOR ALL)**

Marmite and butter: Yes
Marmite and peanut butter: Yes (especially with crispy lettuce)
Marmite and strong cheddar: Yes (also with crisps)
Bananas: No. I am afraid of them


**IN WHICH MADELEINE APOLOGISES**

Sorry. I've gone on for ages.

love
Madeleine

"Sometimes you've just got to take the crunchy with the smooth" Billy Bragg.

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