Sinister: I Have Never Heard And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of The Dead

[S.J.Clarke at xxx.uk]

Dear you rotten shower of Ribena drinking filth, 

Guess what I heard on the Radio last night? Trying to tune into Londons Trendy XFM Late Nite With Iain Lee (beth beth BETH?? which I think is the Welsh equivalent of what what WHAAT??) I heard a peculiar noise. Woooo-oooo-eeeeee. It went. "Oh crackin!" I thought, "the new beat record from And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of The DEEEEAAAAD in which they go all War of the Worlds on us and next thing you know it'll be all Godspeed You Red War Machines round here", and stopped whizzing the dial up to 104.9fm and left it on yer Radio One. As you can tell from the complete bollocks that the aforementioned sentence was, it *wasn't* the new And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of The DEEEEAAAD 45'. 

It was war!!!

Chuffin' heck!

The mellotron stopped. Bear in mind I still think its THE DEEEAAAAAAAD (do you think they called themselves by that huge name so that in referring to them in that short form other, less hip to the now popkids would think they were the Grateful Dead and then go and sell out their gigs down the Tenby Toerag?) and not WAR. A voice comes on the radio. Anticipating the modulated voice of some chancer with an Estuary accent hesitatingly spilling the beans on the new DEEEEEAAARRRGABBAGABBAHEYAAAD record, I'm shocked, suprised, and angry when the voice of a bunged up public schoolboy comes into my room VIA the speakers of course! Not the door. Duh.

<clientele baiting>
Oh no! If I'd wanted a bunged up public schoolboy I'd listen to Peter Gabriel on an offday. Aha! You thought I was going to refer to your man from the Clientele didn't you. Didn't you?? Well it turns out like my own fairself, he's a comprehensive little snotbag too! However, at least I learnt how to blow my nose before standing in front of a microphone dammit!  Ba-dum!
</clientele baiting>

Peter Gabriel : Ahem! Hello listeners! It's me, Pete, and I'm here to declare WAR!
Stuart Murdoch : And I'm your co-host!
Pete : No, you're the roadie. Because radio shows have roadies.
Stuart : Then how come theres a bunch of people chanting my name outside the studio?
Pete: Cos Stuart Maconie off the telly is also present in this very building tonight! So get in the back of the van!
Stuart Smirnoff : Im a rector you know!
Stuart Maconie : You know what, I met a rector once and I thought....
........
........
Peter: Shut up! We're talking about war!!

The horrible sounds of a slaying! No! Not death Peter! He doesn't deserve death! Thats going too far!!!

I strode out of my house bound for the studios where the mystery radio signal was coming from, and I knew where it was because I was clever. I strode past a bulging van. Let me out! piped Stuart Dandelion & Burdock. Whats in it for me? I asked. Bottle of cider down the swings tomorrow night? he offered. It was a done deal. I released Stuart and asked him what the bloomin' nora this war was about.

Well, he said. Peter, a long time Ribena consumer, became angered by the Sinister list turning into the Ribena fan list. You can see where he's coming from, Stuart said, nodding his head vigourously, he's got his image to think of. He's a sledgehammer! (No he's not a sledgehammer is like a hammer but bigger I mumbled but he didnt hear me) He's hard. He showed how hard he was in that fight with Stephen Pastel down the common swings last night. 

But I thought Stephen Pastel kicked his arse! I replied, shocked. Rumour of that viscious fight had spread like wildfire, even to places where you just listen to AND YOU WILL KNOW US BY THE TRAIL OF THE DEEETTTRRRR NOIMEAN DEEEEEAAD on your radio. Stephen had been celebrating buy getting strangers to buy him rounds in the Easy Lover. No, Stuart replied. Thats not how it was. Gabriel, enraged by people using twee slurs on Ribena and talking to trees and hugging them and all that hippy gubbins, took more Full Flavour Ribena than he could take. He was a mentalist! He went up to Stephen Pastel and pushed him off the slide. When Stephen saw the purple glow in his eyes, he got mega spooked out, and ran away howling in fear!

I couldn't believe it!

To achieve his plan of getting Ribena known as a "right fecking bad arse drink you mother flubber", Stu continued, Peter, high on Ribena (would never happen with Ribena Light) took over a certain national radio station. He promised I could cohost, he promised! That Stuart Maconie! I'll kill him when I get my hands of sex on him!! I broke it to him that Stuart was already dead. Stuart Murdoch gasped in shock, as did the peddling nostalgia to people who don't like TRAIL OF THE DEEEAAAADD records TV executives and then committed hara-kiri after no-one else would go on their shows. The first casualty of war, he blubbered, that bastards going to be more famous than ever before!!!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

To cut a long story short, it was OK in the end. A nice lady from the Samaritans took Peter up a nice cup of tea and put him through a Ribena detox programme. He's back at his home in Tunbridge Wells now. Well, it's only Ribena, its not crack is it? Stuart Murdoch and me had a nice time down in the park with a bottle of Scrumpy Jack, and Stuart Maconie probably isn't dead, but to tell you the truth, what the hell would I know about these things.

I've never heard anything by And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of The Dead. But I have heard records by Peter Gabriel.

David Moore, thanks for the list of people in London who went to go and see Camera Obscura. Who else on the list got together to go and see a band last week? Share it with everyone. 

Work is boring. You're not.

Sarah
xx 




+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
        +---+  Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list  +---+
     To send to the list mail sinister at missprint.org. To unsubscribe
     send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to
     majordomo at missprint.org.  WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister
 +-+       "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper           +-+
 +-+  "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+
 +-+    "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000     +-+
 +-+  "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000  +-+
 +-+               Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa                 +-+
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+