Sinister: A contradictory restlessness

[Sunset .]

Sometimes in life things seem as clear as anything…

I'm not sure I can really understand that at the moment though I'm sure I 
felt that way a day or two ago…
I mean don't get the impression I am saying I am unhappy this is not a 
feeling a long those lines by any means… It is just the realisation that 
things aren't exactly clear at this moment in time…
I am not dissatisfied or wishing for change… merely saying that as I sit 
here alone …my brain races in a way which will not allow me time to myself…
I think I might be waiting for something… but then again probably not…

Like I implied at the beginning of this letter things can be clear at times… 
not in a big way… not in a way that I know I am going in the right direction 
in my life or I have any real feeling about the future… But the feeling of 
being in a situation which is right for a specific time…
Fleeting moments… moments easily broken… precious parts of my life …things 
which no matter how much I long to repeat are impossible to recreate even in 
memory…

Slacking off in work…

Something I am too good at… A natural daydreamer I can sit for an hour or 
two pretending to read quite convincingly… watching the sky change colour… 
and white sea gulls circling on a deep purple background…
Now that really is a good time to sit and think… My thoughts come to me 
thick and fast… e-mails and conversations are composed in my head… none of 
this stuttering nonsense … there is a curious calmness at a times like that…

A true story with a sad ending…

I was on a train going home… sitting watching the scenery change thinking 
thoughts and looking at my fellow passengers wondering if any them have 
certain tune running through their head … I was calm with a certain 
contradictory restlessness…
I had a day off... the sun was bright as I sat in a carriage by myself… but 
was wanting more from this moment…
The landscape had been decorated by a thick covering off snow… "fox in the 
snow" played in my head I was hopeful there might really be a fox to join 
this chocolate box picture…
The train filled up at the next station… it all got a little noisy… by the 
next station the train was full…
I no longer possessed a single connected thought…
At the height of the disorder … both within the train and deep in my head … 
I looked down at the track to see a trace of brown fur speckled by snow…
For some reason things were clear and still at that moment…

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