Sinister: bellowing winds, the sound of absent-minded angels

[jessica stuart]

and that ceiling fan above, mocking the very silence encompassing this room 
so brilliantly. where did all of the words get to? in all of this mess i 
shudder to think that i be the cause. but 'tis true... i am the cause. for 
all that i know i with-hold from the air, and my breath only takes up a 
small percentage of oxygen... i am truly turning insane. but complexity was 
never a thing i wasn't fond of. i lied when i said all i wanted was 
simplicity. i lied through my teeth. the very teeth that have pained me all 
day long... wisdom my arse.
lies pain me more-so.
poor thing, she was hit by a car... much like james... somewhat like myself 
but i survived the ordeal. somehow. somehow i am salvaged and for what? is 
there a reason? i contemplate the reason for everything, but this afternoon 
i stop to think that perhaps the only thing i am here for is to realize that 
there is no reason. that to appreciate life itself is the only way to be 
sane. i stop to think always, but never find serenity.  they say stop and 
smell the roses. i go on to wondering why no one can stop at just smelling 
the roses. why everyone seems to have the need within them to pluck them 
from thier beds, take from them life... uproot them from thier happy lil' 
haven.... all for a moment of security. all for a moment of ownership... to 
know is greater than anything. why not let that be as it is? am i right? am 
i wrong? does it matter? it never does. i ask so many questions by which 
follows an answer that comes from the same unashamed mouth. indecisive lil' 
me.
we all take so much for granted. life espescially. put it off for another 
day.... we become overwhelmed and disgraced with barriers of angst and 
fear... and why? and how? how can we be so certain there will be another 
day?
some take the matter into thier own hands. as i have recently had a run in 
with an old aquaintence of mine. one i nearly didn't recognize. i only knew 
the face and smiled a questioning smile... and he reminded. going on to 
inform me of the fate of one we'd mutually known... went on to tell me how 
he'd gotten back on heroin and ran off to california where he hung himself. 
i hung my head in dissapointment but shed no tears. i wonder though... why 
this world is so fucked up like that. why people are driven by society, and 
often times thierselves... to want to leave.
i have this feeling of anxiety often. they want to tell me i have a 
disorder. "and we have found it in 90% of the females occupying the lands 
near and far" oh but i say... it is human nature. we are just loco... human 
beings. but alas... there MUST be a cure for everything huh?
<SNIP> i spare the details for i do not wish to offend my dear friend kiki
i am on another ramble as always. and in repetition as well. but i have no 
apologies for anyone anymore. only the sweet uttering of words such as.. 
"take care" and "remember that although there are things you do not have... 
there are also things you do have." and most of all "keep your eyes open"
here i am once again... rambling and sucking down cigarette after 
cigarette... disregarding the pain in the back of my tar-filled lungs.  once 
again a sleepless night... for i am overwhelmed by the inclinations of my 
obsession for change. can't let it be .... don't want to settle... not EVER. 
on my lil' platform here with the microphone in front of me i tell the world 
everything there is to know about ME... and it is proven useless. i tell of 
myself because it is all i am sure of.  and i hope that one would read 
between the lines and find that it really isn't about myself. i just 
incorporate it into myself... and still i say... very few see that.
all the while... scratching my head... just as confused as the next person.
jessica~*

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