Sinister: italian hunters sausage

[Clarke, Sarah J (EU)]

Hello!

Isobel article from an in-flight toerag got me thinking. Did the scrote who
wrote that consider it in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM INTERESTING???

She's PRACTICAL! She has a house! She was uh, born! C:\Duh!* I could pull
better writing out of my ARSE! In fact this morning I found a short novella
written in the Raymond Chandler style up there, but needed it to uh, clean
up. 

But anyway. I can't afford a house. But no honestly, I *care* that she can.
I *care*. Do any lucky listees own their own houses? I know at least four
people on this list who have mortgages, and I'll guesstimate for a few of
you they won't be far off.... but do not fear! I have a solution to poor
people who can't afford to buy houses in Partick, or Parbold, or even a
parboiled egg (I *have* been that poor)! Take heart and cheer from Isobel.
>From scraping the bottom of the sandwich development section at Pret to
Caledonian fame! ( I actually feel quite ashamed..)

You mean you don't know? Ah this takes me back. Once upon a time, Isobel was
a crackin' sandwich developer for Pret a Manger. Amongst her many great
inventions were mutton, pear and salvation wraps, tar, tartar and
taramasalata (nearly!) baguettes and her pish pie and prophylactics range.
She was the queen of sandwich development! BUT! Ohhhhhhh my friends, but.
There was a HARSH side to this girl, a harsh side usually unassociated with
the friendly and team player friendly world of making butties.

Because of her, well, undoubted genius in crafting lunch time perfection,
her co-workers would put up a lot from her. Her somewhat unorthodox views
concerning squirrels (framed in formaldehyde above her workstation) just had
to be let go as "cute eccentricity". She also went through a load of tomato
ketchup every day, sometimes those red (RED!! RED!!) stains wouldn't come
out of her pinny. But still! Great sandwiches!

Until that one day when the truth came out!!

<flashback>
Little Stevie Malkmus was working late one day. Try his hardest, he and his
colleague (the cheery one from Kraftwerk) just couldn't beat Isobels
sandwich design. Always overlooked for promotion, they were working late one
night, when they heard An Insane Cackling Sound coming from her penthouse
lair! 

Golly gosh, said the chirpy one, what the chuff were that?
Geez dude I don't know, said S.M. Hoox me up with some more basil!

The cackling sound came again!

Blimey charlie, said happy Kraftwerk man, we should go have a sken at that.
Sigh, okay, said S.Malk.

And what did they see!!!!

ISOBEL! standing there! A knife in her hand! Covered head to toe in red
(RED!! RED!!) liquid!!! And with the other hand she was holding aloft a
swan, with a severed neck! Try as he might, little Stevie Malky couldn't
hold back his revulsion! BLUGGGH he went, and vommed all over his brand new
Converse. Isobel turns round. AaaAAaaaAAAah she said, in that bizarre
upper/lower case mix favoured by Velocity Girl, you've seen my secret ritual
of slaughtering swans!! You know my secret swan strength! 

And with that she backed towards the window and PLUNGED herself through it!
ARGRHHHHHHHHH and EEEEEEK she screamed! The last thing I heard was her
screaming... "Swan Sandwich For You"! Apparently now she's all clean and
never thinks about Those Creatures anymore. The swans gain is sandwich
makings loss. But what if she ever decided to go down that evil road
again...

</flashback>.

Geez. That was a long way to go for such a let down joke wasn't it? But you
get it? Geddit, right? RIGHT?

Ah fuck it. I should maybe go and do some work. That joke was really funny
this morning, believe it or not...

Love, Sarah
xx

*How geeky and nerdy is that? It's bad enough as it is, but DOUBLY cos I
nicked it from Aunt Zelda on Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Incidentally, I saw
the movie of that show on Channel 5 post-Aislers Set in Nottingham fun, my
GOSH! Pas tres bon!
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
        +---+  Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list  +---+
     To send to the list mail sinister at missprint.org. To unsubscribe
     send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to
     majordomo at missprint.org.  WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister
 +-+       "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper           +-+
 +-+  "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+
 +-+    "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000     +-+
 +-+  "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000  +-+
 +-+               Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa                 +-+
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+