Sinister: Now that I own the BBC

[Robin Stout]

So here, at last, is the *top secret* report of my infiltration of TV 
centre (screentest to be a weatherman). I suggest you burn it after 
you read it. Put a match in the floppy disc slot or something.

So, I arrived at TV centre, purple and sweaty and far too early and 
went inside. In the reception they have lots of TVs showing Bergerac 
so that helped to calm my nerves. Charlie Hungerford was having 
some trouble with a bearded man and luckily Jim was on hand, 
"Bureau des etrangers!", with his brown leather jacket and rugged 
good looks. Then a lady came, and took me and a man called James 
through the high speed revolving doors into TV centre.

The weather department is a long way from the entrance and when 
we got there it was being repaired. When you're about to have an 
interview the last thing you want to meet is a corridor full of ladders 
like we did, but we managed to avoid them all and were escorted 
into the office of Mr David Braime (my mum's favourite weatherman).

By now I was pink with excitement. We spoke to his secretaries, 
who spent their time watching the telly, and I sneaked a look at the 
email subject lines that were lined up in the inbox on the computer 
screen. Mr Braime must be a closet biker, cos there were lots of 
emails about "biker conventions" and "biker friendly pubs". I was 
very nosy. On the notice board when the secretaries were having a 
cup of tea I saw a letter asking Mr Braime to a charity event with 
"TV's John Bardon ("Grandad" from Eastenders)". Wow. A true 
celebrity.

Then it was time for the screentest. I met David, and shook his 
plastic hand, and he told me to pretend I was presenting the 
weather. He said, "Just say something like this" and said something 
very good about "fronts" and "sunny spells" and "rain in Scotland, 
clearing up later". I know it's his job but he really was very good. I 
was given "the magic button" and stood in front of the screen, and 
saw myself with my gangly arms duplicated on screens all about the 
room. Then it was my turn to give the weather and I was, to be 
honest, quite rubbish. "It's sunny down there, I think that's Cornwall, 
but it's cloudy up in Norway." Oh dear. We'll get in touch, they said, 
and within minutes I was flying out through the high speed revolving 
doors and onto my train home.

I don't have much hopes for an interview, but you never know. Like 
my mum says, it's an experience, and they liked my shirt.

On the way home I saw Larry the Frog in the back of a van with a 
sailor. "Hello duckie", he said, batting his eyelids and wiggling his 
bottom. No wonder he's doing so well in the list crush. "Look 
mummy it's a dinosaur!", said a little girl. "What's he doing with his 
tail?"

There've been a lot of things happening in the last couple of weeks, 
all related to my relatives in some way. It's too much to explain it 
all, but it's been quite traumatic, as if the laws of the world had all 
gone mad for a fortnight. I'm exhausted.

Sarah, I'm going to the RAH! and hopefully Arantxa is too. Also, if 
anyone has any spare tickets, could you get in touch?

Bye

Robin x
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