Sinister: the hymn for the dreams i am living

[juju cat]

halo sinister.

just juju again. this time, from cambridge, uk. it is a quiet morning. 
monday. the sun through the window is warm... or could that be the heater? i 
sit in a slip and socks to tell you some random things that are of no use to 
anybody.

when i left, he told me to find some sugar for myself here, maybe a nice 
fling, forget about there... i told him i was leaving my sugar at home. but 
i don't think it matters that we're apart so much.. i think fate has decided 
that's just how it shall be, and i'd better get used to it, or have my heart 
torn up every two minutes. our mutual friend, the one i am visiting here, 
brings him up quite often.. they are like siblings practically. so i've 
learned a lot about him and the way his life has been, and how i don't 
really fit into it all as nicely as i'd wanted to. and i'm wondering if i 
should change what i want now.
?

do you ever just want to care for a person because you think you are the one 
who could? from the first night he stayed with me.. not the first time we'd 
met, but the first time i new it wasn't just his eyes i was drawn in by, he 
admitted being taken in by my abilities to turn a bad thing around with a 
positive spin. he had bumped up against the freshly painted new vespahaus 
door.. green paint all over the sleeve of his new black coat. i took it into 
the wc and removed what i could. he waited up, late as it was, on the couch. 
when i surfaced, he sat there staring, like he didn't comprehend what he was 
looking at. he thanked me endlessly, and then i shared my edward 
scissorhands wind-up robot toy with him, and we could have stayed up talking 
forever. there was instantly something there. i could have given him 
anything. but boys are dumb, i guess. they want something, and want to chase 
it, and sometimes they do.. but this one, he wants something, but just sits 
there dreaming about it, putting me off like he doesn't have the time.. what 
does it mean?

i suppose today we will have bagels and mochas and a stroll around 
disneyland (my nick-name for this dreamy place). he will come up again, 
perhaps how he has finally planned to visit her as well.. and my heart will 
ache, thinking how he could have come with me. i think i am done with this 
heartache. bring me something new.

i had my first ribena walking the streets of bath. there were grand 
fireworks everywhere, some even set off over an esso petrol station. (we ran 
far from that location.) the moon lit the sky perfectly as we strolled 
trhough a soggy green. we chased the fireworks and remarked on the girls' 
after five clothing choices (what is the fascination with boots and jeans 
and half-there shirts?? i was in a shirt, a sweater, a scarf, a jacket...). 
then we continued to eat far too much chocolate and cheese.. a steady diet 
of that could kill you, i suppose, but how divine! mmmmmmmmmmmmmm  then we 
took our hire car for a spin around the south of england, almost 
accidentally but partly on purpose seeing seven sights in one day. we 
stopped in bournemouth to get a bottle of sand for a friend back home.

now i hear her coming in. i shall shower and enjoy the day, trying not to 
think of him too much.. this *is* supposed to be my holiday....

love and endless sighs,

juju


"one day, i am going to grow wings: a chemical reaction..."

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