Sinister: letters to noone

[Vanessa Roseline Siegl]

I have been pondering for the past week at least whether I should finally 
write a post again or not. Sometimes I feel so unable to express anything 
... and most things have already been said. Same as most significant 
melodies have already been written and most of what we are listening to 
today is just a variation of what has been there before most sentences have 
been spoken and every story has been told in a similar way before.
The differences are only subtle.

So sometimes I feel like resorting to total silence. Because it normally 
speaks louder than words and is open to all interpretations.

I originally (re)joined this list because I lost touch with two people (for 
the most parts we are still speaking but it isn't the same and sometimes I 
think it would make little difference if we would just stop doing so .. and 
I cannot help resenting them. And sometimes I cannot help letting this 
slip.) I in particular enjoyed writing to because writing to them made me 
feel like I was different for a while and liked describing things and 
sharing my thoughts...
Sadly I seemed to get less and less appreciated after a while (or maybe I 
just started to get on their nerves; people have their own lives and I 
suppose my insecurities are my problem and not anyone else's and I cannot 
blame anyone and I won't.) but I still needed someone to write those things 
to and some place where I got a reaction so putting them into my journal 
alone wasn't enough. I thrive on reaction because I need to feel welcome ...
There are others I am writing to and others I speak to and people I have 
spoken to for ages .... but I have become guarded.
I wish human relationships would work the same way as my ZoneAlarm firewall 
does.
"Will you allow application X to connect to the Internet? 
yes     no      always remember this answer"
"Will you allow this person to connect with your 
heart?  yes     no      automatically block this person now and forever"

And posting to a list is different... it's not the same as writing to 
someONE at the other end of the line you can actually picture reading and 
enjoying it.... So I never really wrote much to .. here.

I have been sad lately. I have been sad all summer. Sometimes I feel like I 
have been sad all my life.
I am not sure if it is the aftermath of getting robbed or whether I would 
have been like this anyway... I remember that night... I remember sitting 
in a club and putting two fingers in my ears in protest against Teenage 
Dirtbag* ... I remember cramping my style a bit later by dancing to Placebo*
And I remember feeling like leaving because being there made nothing better 
or right .. I wanted to see people and light but I got thrown back onto 
myself... so I walked back home...
And I had been walking through that park 100s of time... and only two days 
before I was joking that if something would happen it'd probably be drug 
addicts and I could talk to them ... and yeah, I could. I could talk to them.
But that didn't stop me from breaking down afterwards.
And I wonder if 2 minutes of feeling helpless have changed me ... or if I 
would have changed anyway and I only got dunked in a little faster by all this.


I will be going away a bit later; probably next week. I think it will do me 
good. I need to learn to breath freely again.


This is also the last post from this account as it will be terminated in a 
couple of weeks.



*disclaimer: this is not meant to offend anyone. Just the way I felt that 
night.


-- 
sometimes I'm right. sometimes you're wrong.
http://www.clodia.f2s.com/


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