Sinister: love is the drug

[amy.longcore at xxx.com]

~sign of the times~

so, today i was in the dinnertime line of the cafeteria at work when i
noticed a stack
of little chocolate mints on sale for 15 cents each.
the candy wrappers were white, with the american flag emblazoned on the
front.
above was a sign saying that procedes from the sales went to some 9/11
relief
group of some kind. i purchased 5 for 75 cents, thinking about how i would
be sweet
and share the milky minty chocolatey goodness with co-workers.
as i hopped on the electric cart that i drive around the facilites to head
back to my work
area (it's like one of those golf carts), i took a closer look at the
packaging on my chocolates.
"procedes to benefit sodexho employee relief fund". now i'm being told that
sodexho had
no facilities that were hurt 9/11. ok, so i don't mind giving up some
change for another company to be able to
help their employees during duress, but don't lie to me. sheesh. could
"sodexho employee relief fund" mean
that their employee relief fund is giving to 9/11 funds? eghad, don't ask
me.
i'm so untrustworthy of so many charities anymore.

~virginia plain~

your miss amy had to work all weekend.
the bonus: saturdays are time + 1/2 an hour pay. sundays are double time.
yow. good thing, i need it!
i was beginning to wonder how christmas was going to turn out for my
people.
so, anyway, there i was, just sittin' on yr car (sorry, i drifted into beth
orton lyrics...)
anyway.
so, there i was, thinking my weekend was ruined.
i still planned to go out after my shift saturday night and make the most
of it.
and, since i don't feel like sharing the evenings events with too many
others,
i'll share them with you! since the likes of *drama* *emotion* *crushes* &
*FEELING* are so well received here.

~dance away~

i run home to primp and (i think) i was delightfully cute and feeling good.
a quick listen to "me and the major" and i was on my way.
i waltz into the bar and 3 tables full of people are shouting for me,
jumping up, grabbing me, spinning me
around, kissing me, hugging me, telling me they love me.
there was a little "croak me" action on stage, so i did a hesitant
rendition of "dancing queen" with my friend christina,
only to find out she kept her microphone off the whole time!
the farging icehole! how rude.
i sounded like snot dripping from a vaporized kleenex too.
for shame.

~same old scene~

i'm dancing with boys. one in particular, i've had, "relations" with in the
past. i don't know him very well,
sadly. and i hate to be in that situation, so i don't usually put myself in
it.
we had a great talk. talking about the whole do's and don'ts of the one
night stand.
he's a few years older than i. divorced, with children. and definetely not
"my type", but we connect
on certain levels. he made me feel really good about myself, in this way
i've never experienced
before.  i felt so uncertain of my judgements and self-esteem after our
tryst awhile ago.
i analyze too heavily and put too much stress on myself. i mean, come on,
we were both consenting,
friendly adults who enjoyed eachother for the evening. why did i eat my
heart out, at the age of 28 for crying  out
loud, for the next month?!  i dunno. as i get older, i want to feel better
about the decisions i make.
i rarely do. amy=grey area. i can see every side of every situation, and i
more or less dig myself into a big dissing
hole every time. no need for that. it's that damn fantasy of finding the
sweet sinister-type of boy to whisk me away,
and why would i "give into sin" again when something that good could be on
the horizon?
whatever.  but that's not all.

~lets stick together~

ok. here it is. i like girls too. it's not as easy as saying "i am
bisexual". it's really not that simple,
not that complex either. it all depends on the person. definetely and
ultimately.
i don't leave my home and drool over every one that walks by
(that is, unless it's a really good day, ha).  i don't really get attracted
to someone until i've gotten to know them a bit.
and it's, more often than not, men that i am ultimately interested in.
my friend christina has been curious for years, but, alas, she is married.
the thing about christina and i is that we are eachother's best friends.
i wouldn't say ever, 'cuz i have other chick friends i've been close to for
absolute years,
but you get the idea. in the here and now, i rely on christina tons, and
she, i.
i am hoping to move from the area within the year, and this is devastating
her.
i had an after party after the bar, lots of happy people cavorting through
my humble home.
christina dragged me into the bathroom, pressed her forehead to mine, and
began to
ruminate on her love for me, and how if i go it will kill her.
i make her small town life better, she says. "i don't know what i'd do
without you."
her eyes are crying, which makes me bust out. i continue, "christina, you
know i'm miserable here,
i'm not meeting anyone i can share my life with, my job is unfulfilling, my
house is too expensive for my single self,
i need to be in a larger city...etc...." feeling sad. i've only felt good
about the decision to move until then.
she's pressing her forehead back into mine, "amy, i want nothing more than
for you to be happy.
i want you to go out there and really meet someone. you are so due for love
and happiness, amy....
i love you so much..."
she kisses me.
not a nifty lil' peck on the cheek or lips.
she open mouth kisses me.
and i am lost in it.

~these foolish things~

it went on for some time. then, foreheads still meeting, we giggle.
the rest of the night was stolen kisses.
my divorcee' fling even caught us once. oh dear!
there was no lost confusion to it. there was no "teasing", there were no
sexual expectations. sometimes a love can turn you inside out so deeply
that when you find the key to releasing it, you turn it and let it go.
that's what these kissings were. simply delightful.
sure, waking up sunday i had pings of self-hatred over kissing a married
woman!
i'm friends with her husband. sometimes, when i get out of work, and
christina is still working
herself, i stop at her house and visit with her husband, sometimes he
visits me.
it's a tight unit. so, yeah, it feels bad when i think of him and think of
saturday night.
but, i don't feel guilty as far as the big aspect of everything goes.
it happened between 2 friends who are often lost together.
i can't try to justify it. and i'm not going to. it happened.
it's not like i stole her, the car, the house and shot him in the gut.
he's tough and sincere, he may even understand. but why put him through
the knowing if it *might* cause him some undo stress?
it's not like it's going to happen again. it was an emotional
moment we were lost in.
let me not go on about all that. ouch.

~more than this~

that line i wrote, "when you find the key to releasing it, you turn it
and let it go" (meaning love). you could liken that to the list crush
debate.
i'd like to apologize if i offended anyone with what i had to say about
that
before. it was just the hurt of my past coming back to haunt me (and you).
i understand how and why these cross-border, distance and time romances
happen. they were the story of my life for awhile there. my first "
*serious* "
boyfriend was an exchange student. from brazil. that doomed me.
it set a pace for the relationships to come. oh, yes, it did.


~pyjamarama~

so, my fierce and independent streak is over again, for now.
all of that flirty kissy wispy stuff brought it all back.
i want some damn love!
*sigh*
but, alas, i shall head to bed alone and pet my kitties until sleep takes
over
(or this damn sinus headache goes away, oooh the pain)

~oh yeah~

so, i hope i haven't been toooo ... confessional style on y'all.
i just really needed to sit and write about it all for a bit.
unlocking the leftover key, you see.
and please excuse the roxy music themes, i've got street life
blissfully on random play. sometimes i hate roxy music.
not today. at all.

caleb ben moore's description of his new haircut and hat reminds me
of rik mayall from the young ones!
the people's poet!
yay!
hee ;)

there's been some really bootiful posts lately.
thank you all.
thank you for carson, thank you for poems, thank you for
breakfast club inspired meet up descriptions, thank you
for bringing belle and sebastian along for your rides.

waking up to us is supposed to be out on the 16th, right?

chicago meet-up. i'd like to.

take me on a rollercoaster, take me for an airplane ride,
amy/rachel applejacks (home: dotsandloops at yahoo.com)













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