Sinister: Advice to Ken Chu: how to cheat.

[idleberry]

Ken Chu said

"In my office at work I sometimes sneakily read my
private e-mails (sometimes 
I breath too but not as often as I do e-mailing), and
because hotmail in its 
blue swish looking glory looks nothing like work, I
have to hide the window 
underneath some spreadsheets I'm working on, so for
most of the time I'd be 
be reading the top half of the subject lines of
sinister e-mails.. "

I know how Ken feels. I suppose I am lucky, cos I have
a yahoo account, but unlucky cos I've changed it to
pink.
And I don't have any spreadsheets in pink.

I also have to sneak attack my inbox, and can advise
Ken, from my sneaking, how to do this realitively
effectively. 

1. Wait until everyone disappears to meetings, and
then go wild on the web.

2. reduce the size of your internet window, and drag
it down to the bottom of the screen so it looks like
part of the work you are working on.

3. Make everything on your pootah hotmail-blue
(perhaps not the official painters colour name for
it)- your screensaver, your company email letter head,
your wallpaper,your socks, your spreadsheets.. the
lot. This way, nobody will guess cos it will all just
merge in nicely.

4. When you are online, quickly copy and paste entire
e mails into a MS word page, close down/minimise your
e mail window, and then you can sit and read it at
your leisure and nobody will be any the wiser.

5. When composing e mails, compose them in MS Word
first of all, then when you do a sneaky hotmail open
thing, you can just do the whole cut'n'paste action 

(and heres a challenge, Ken- how about changing the
words of "Shake'n'Vac" to "Cut'n'Paste"? 
You do the cut'n'paste
and make time waste,
do the cut'n'paste 
and make time waste...

or something.. try singing that next time your in the
loo! ;-) )
6. If like me, you're on flexitime (Time is not really
flexible though, is it? I mean, can you physically
bend a minute??)
then simply come in earlier to work, before the people
sitting near you, and sit surfing the net; or leave
later in the evening and sit surfing the net; or
change your lunch hours and sit surfing the net. This
has the added bonus if you're paid by the hour, cos
you can pretend you're being very good and sitting
working really really hard. And get paid for it.
Personally, I'd rather be in bed than come into work
early, but you know, sometimes I am fifteen minutes
earlier than my work collegues/ millions of bosses,
and sit tap-tap-tapping away in personal e mails.

Ken, m'dear, I hope this helps. And I hope it helps
everyone else here too who is at work and with all
this open-plan desk arrangement nonsense, feeling a
little worried about getting caught.

Can I also say, if you do get caught, in your defence,
heres the explanation:

People can only really take in information for fifteen
minutes at a time*. Therefore, you need a few seconds
to let your brain digest the information you have. And
therefore you have opted to look at something else.
This makes you work more effectively.

Alternatively:

emails make you happy. Happy people work better. If
you feel more relaxed then you can work more
effectively, therefore increasing your productivity.
(tell them its been proven by some university or
other.)

Or:

This job sucks. I'd rather read my e mails. Go away.

or how about:
I am conducting a survey for (give reason relating to
work issue) as requested by (name some top head honcho
dude here) and this is a confidential research thing
that I'm doing under cover so not as to draw attention
to the company and stuff, and I'm afraid I can't tell
you anymore and if I did then I'd have to kill you
(end with menacing laugh- Evil Dr Chu style)

Thankyou. Hope that helps.

Love,

popidles

kiskiskiskiskiskiskiskiskiskiskiskiskiskiskiskiskiskis

ps.
* fiftteen minutes... um.. I might have got that
wrong. That might be how much fame you're entitled to,
or the attention span of agoldfish. I get confused.






=====
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