Sinister: The boy most likely and the girl most lovely

[Danny Farrell]

Hello lovelies,

I skived off uni *again* today,so instead of catching up on some work or 
maybe even trying to get some notes off the internet i decided to lie in bed 
reading a book all morning and then post to the lovely sinister,obviously or 
you wouldn't be reading this.

Its winter now i think,there's no getting away from that. I love winter,it 
may not be my favourite season,i love autumn when its actually autumn rather 
than just strong winds and heavy rain. Maybe that's all its ever been and i 
just imagine the picturesque autumns in my head. I imagine lots of things 
but im sure there must have been at least one nice autumn like that. Anyway 
winter, yes i love winter and a lot of the time its real winter,like the 
lovely picturesque winter. But its not today,its just really really really 
cold and grey and horrible. With weather like this how can i ever motivate 
myself to start an essay on a subject i know nothing about and care even 
less still. I like to sit at my window with a mug of hot chocolate and stare 
out at the sky,sometimes it gives me inspiration,sometimes it just makes me 
realise how much beauty there is out there in the world and maybe ill jump 
in my car and go somewhere lovely just out of the blue. That's the best way 
to do things,just out of the blue,it makes them seem nicer,more exciting.

I just seen a cat kill a bird earlier,i almost cried. It made me think about 
the wildness of nature and all,perhaps not in as cliched a manner as 'the 
wildness of nature' but that's the easiest way to describe it. Kittens are 
the loveliest wee things and then they become cats and they too are very 
beautiful and lovely,but they're vicious. They kill birds for no reason then 
they drag their body to their mummy and preen around it as if they've done 
something beautiful and lovely and should be petted and given kitty treats. 
That sometimes upsets me,it would be lovely to be able to train them to 
leave birds alone or to play with them but that's not their nature,they just 
want to kill them. It kind of got me thinking, i remember my friend was 
asking me what do i think would happen if there was a superior race to 
humans. They were nice and kind but just superior but sometimes they got mad 
and just killed one of us. I didn't think about it much though. It was too 
sci-fi-esque for me,then he started talking about giant spiders with eight 
eyes so, I stopped wondering. He was wondering why i stopped.

Sometimes however i do wonder what would happen if one little thing in my 
life had changed,what if i had been born 10 miles from where i was, would i 
be a totally different person? I'd have a different environment and 
different friends and suchlike. Obviously i'd be a little different but i 
wonder would i be completely different? Would i have discovered B&S, 
sinister? Maybe i'd have became a ned,what a scary thought. This kind of 
scares me because it leaves so much to chance,if i was born 200 miles away 
my life could be infinitely worse or even better. Or maybe i'd be the 
same,maybe all this does have an influence but the MEness in me would always 
shine through and bring me here,to where i am now. I'd prefer to think 
that,i really would.

On the same lines i also wonder what if i took over someone elses life? 
Would i just reconcile it with my own? Would they in effect just become me 
and then after a weeks time they just would be me sitting chatting on 
sinister or sitting in a country park at 3am or would i have to carry on 
with their life. Maybe id be Jim working 9to5 as a data analyst and then 
come home to dress up as a woman and go out clubbing. Maybe i could be 
Derek, i'd be at university and it would be the best time of my life, "oh 
man it wid be fine", just burds n bevvy and constant parties,but never let 
the uni work slip,oh god no,because work is the most important thing in his 
life. Completely destined to be an integral cog in some corporate executive 
network. Anyway.

I managed to stay up for some forty hours recently, not the fifty odd 
managed by someone else but it still made me go temporarily crazy. Us 
Scottish boys eh :) not that its an achievement, but i didn't really have 
another option unless i wanted to get kicked out of uni,i kind of did, so i 
stayed up and revised like a good boy (chatted on sinister, read books,drank 
hot chocolate, anything except revise). Anyway after i got home from my test 
(it went okay) i didn't even go straight to bed,i faffed about for hours. 
however when i did go to bed i slept for some 14 hours and also had a very 
strange dream:

I dreamt i had led some sort of communist revolution,i don't remember how i 
won but i did,i got into power which was fun but it was all screwed up and 
wrong. I had to banish all the intellectuals and artists because they were 
speaking against how the 'movement' had been destroyed,how it was no longer 
the same and i had corrupted it. Anyway the scary bit,apart from the fact i 
actually was dreaming this was that it was like a big corporate communist 
state. We didn't walk about in army gear,oh no! We walked about in suits and 
ties,we didn't have midnight meetings,we sat round tables made by ikea 
drinking coca-cola,i can actually remember the cans and they were perfect 
coca-cola cans. I would give big long speeches over television but there 
would still be the ad-breaks and of course all food and suchlike was 
rationed however the suppliers were of course McDonalds.

Anyway that's just a wee aside,it made me laugh when i woke up,i can just 
imagine the next revolution. They'd show it on TV - "The Flargnanar 
Revolution" Fade to black. Big can of cola blazes onto screen "Sponsored by 
Coke", clothes and weaponry provided by nike. No longer the big questions of 
how can we survive as a communist state oh no. Should we get burger king or 
mcdonalds for the food? Reebok or Nike for clothes? Decisions.Decisions.

I think maybe i've hurt people,unintentionally. Don't you just hate when 
that happens? All i've done is be myself yet maybe i've hurt someone,maybe 
more than one person. I wish i hadn't,i hope im wrong but im sorry. 
Friends,bah, who would have them ? he he

Okay i'll go now

Love and hugs and a touch of panache,

Danny xxx

I always dreamed i'd love you
I never dreamed i'd lose you
In my dreams i'm always strong

P.S Thank God miss llew has returned from her months break, however 
enlightened miss Dorothy Parker is,she shouldn't give sagacious pearls of 
wisdom that keeps our llaura away :)

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