Sinister: but i fell for the promise of a life with a purpose

[lindsey baker]

hello sinster.

miss lou is here again, because of the strange human attraction to write
about tragedy.

yesterday, i got three phone calls in thirty minutes, all telling me the boy
was dead.

and the rumors were started: in chicago, in omaha, with his car, with a gun.

it didn't matter.

he was dead.

he and i hadn't talked for two years, not since we had a falling out. but. 

there was a photograph on my shelf, when i finally got home at two a.m. a
photograph of him and me at my senior prom. i wore a black feather boa, and
the cheap dye turned my skin a dirty gray, and that night we laughed about
how i looked dead. he took me to a restaurant called the destiny cafe; it's
closed now. he brought me a long-stemmed red rose -- he put it on the seat
of the car, so when we left my house to get in the car, i almost sat on the
long stem of thorns. it was the first flower a boy had ever given me.

everything is disjointed today, and i hadn't cried until five minutes ago.
my journalism professor came over to me, and told me to write. write when
you're ready to, he said, and he gave me a hug and a piece of minty gum.

the photograph is in my handbag.

my handbag is here, next to my feet.

there is a bracelet. a slap bracelet. red with gold thread, flowers, chinese
dragons. very cheesy. it is on my wrist now, and i wonder where the matching
one the boy had is at, whether or not he kept it.

i wonder who will be at the funeral tomorrow, and i am sad that i will find
out.

i wonder why the kids i know will be there didn't notice, didn't see, and
why i gave up and left and didn't stay so i could save him.

and then i remember that fate doesn't negotiate.

today, the test i have to take in a half hour and the gossip about me and
the shit from the last few days pales in comparison to this obtrusive death.
part of my life has an end, now, and i didn't ask for it or bring it about.

there are things i'd like to say. about life and death and rumors and love
and loss and people here.

but.

i won't.

i think i am successfully lost and floundering again, back in that misty
spot.

and so i do what everyone always knew i would do.

lindsey





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