Sinister: You were lost, once before, on a day much like this

[Dimitra]

A few nights ago I asked my best friend, "So what shall we console ourselves
with? They thought that some day things will best better?"

I was feeling desperate.

About a month ago my life seem to be getting better. I was falling in love
and I got a puppy, and for a while the world seemed brighter. Then came a
night when I listed all the things that should have been making me happy,
and found them to be quite a lot... and discovered I was feeling sad and
worried. I thought it would go away.

On a magically sunny afternoon two days later, me and my friend are walking
with the sea on one side and the city on the other. We had walked out of the
cinema to find ourselves standing in front of the sea and opposite of some
cranes. And of the sun, who seemed to be everywhere, in the sky and on the
sea and reflecting on the first line of buildings of the city. It made me
suddenly understand what the phrase 'leave the earth behind as you watch
into the sun' might mean. It also reminded me of something I had read in a
book, something like that this world is the most powerful one. Or it might
have said dominant. Because it has gravity. Walking in the sunlight felt
like floating. And yet. It was a reminder of the essence and the nature of
this world, and how we can't escape it -like gravity. And as a boy told me
once -while kissing me-, gravity keeps us from flying, but also keeps us
from falling off. When we find ourselves in the wrong hemisphere, with our
feet where your head should be. Somehow I know exactly what he meant. And
walking into the magical sunlight after two hours of sitting in a dark
room... it just said everything about it.

Still, the world felt dark.

However, I guess that's what I console myself with.

I was going to talk about the things that made me feel desperate that night,
not in a "why does my life suck so much" way but in a "how good can things
get" way, in a "can we ever be happy" way.
Sir David said :
"I have thought a lot about happiness. It seems to me that happiness is the
ability to look just far enough ahead. To strike a balance between doing
what will make me feel good right now, and what will make me feel good
tomorrow about the person I have been today.
If anyone has any ideas on how to actually do this - answers on the back of
a postcard, please."

And I  just wish happiness is something more than that.
And I guess that's the reason I was feeling desperate that night.

Postcards -it's one of my favourite words, though as far as I can remember I
have never send or received one.


One of this days and as a fight was ending, I said 'everyone is sad for some
reason'. Actually, I typed it. Then I stood there staring at the screen,
wondering how you can just let things lie around in your mind without
putting them into words for years, surprised once more by the effect it has
one me. Cause I remembered my four-and-a-half-year-old self lying in bed and
realising that. And not being sad about it. Just wanting to find out
everything about it.
In a way, that's all I have been doing. And it probably is the reason why I
have been asking so many people so many questions. About so many things.
Maybe even I have been asking too many people too many questions. About too
many things.
Sir David also said: Sometimes you see between and through things. Sometimes
this makes you feel warm, at others: cold.
It still surprises me when I see my thoughts expressed by someone else and
delivered to me by Sinister. And it happens quite a lot. And that's one of
the best things I've read lately. Maybe just because I had been thinking
about it a lot.
Although it doesn't tell you what to do with that.

I've spent quite a lot of time wishing people could like each other more,
while at the same time accusing myself of having childish wishes. I know
some people can't like each other. I know I dislike some people too. I know
that maybe sometimes I don't even have good reasons for doing so.
But...

Maybe it comes from wondering too much, but since this summer I've gained
some kind of insight into people's motives and feelings, I don't read your
thoughts (usually not that is, and when it happens, it doesn't really make
me really happy...anyway), I just happen to know a lot of times what people
feel and how it makes them act the way they act. Sometimes I judge people...
and sometimes I don't... I'm not sure what I want to do. Though not always.
Maybe when I grow up a bit more I won't judge anyone. But what I do know is
that this knowledge changes the way I view things. And it taught me that
everybody have their reasons for being who they are and doing what they do.
Which might not justify what they're doing... but it makes it easier to
accept. I guess. So... please try to be understanding. And then -as Will
once said- supportive. Sometimes the first comes after the second, or it
might not come at all  -but I suggest you try it anyway.

The aforementioned friend used to be a boyfriend. And one cold windy night
aand after having watched another film, I found myself walking behind him,
and crying -cause he hated me. And wondering what I have been doing so wrong
and I have lost almost every friend I've had (here). And at the same time
knowing that -without it meaning that I haven't done mistakes-  I'm proud of
what I am. While he is shouting, to me probably as there's no one else
around, that he's fed up with being himself.
Well -we fight mostly cause he's depressed like this... but... (and that's
one of the things that makes us be best friends, I guess) I remember me
saying to him in September that I don't see the point in telling him what I
think he's doing wrong, that I'll just love him which will give him the
strength to get over it, since if he's doing something wrong in time he'll
see it himself. If I had lived up to that, we probably wouldn't have been
fighting.
In case this explains what I said above any better.

I just read that paragraph again and it sounds desperate... or something
quite similar for which I don't know the word. Maybe it was that bad
indeed... but it doesn't matter now as a few days later and after yet
another film he called me and later he came round. He was quite sad... as if
he hadn't forgiven me... as always. He brought me wine and watched me cook
and listened to me moan (about fighting with a boy). Then he disappeared. As
always.









-Oooooooh.
The athenian picnic. I hear it's getting bigger and bigger. Which makes me
really happy. CAuse the 24th of March happens to be my 21st birthday. Hmmm,
no, it's not a coincidence. If you want to blame someone you can blame
Danny. I didn't do anything. But I wouldn't blame him, cause that's going to
be like, better than the best birthday party I could ever have. Maybe better
than if I went to Scotland. Mainly cause it will be sunny. Trust me, the
weather will probably be exactly as Joanna describes it. It's exactly what I
imagoned it to be like too. I'm always complaining about living in Greece
but I'm sure it's a great place for a holiday, especially if you don't come
in the summer.




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