Sinister: Christmas depression

[idleberry]

For me, it's always as many things have been left
unsaid or undone. I 
start
to remember: how beautiful was that girl I was
dating!... she was 
really
fine... but I missed the chance to tell her how much I
liked her. And 
then
the year ends. Time's over! When the year ends, forget
it!! Think of
something new, wait until the next wave, and so on...
Beto wrote:

And what about 
that
plans of taking theatre lessons? and going back to
music school? And 
calling
that friend of mine, that propably has already
commited suicide? Oh, 
no, I
didn't do any of these things... and the year ends.
It's like 
everything we
planned, everything we hoped was going to come true
just turns to 
dust...
dust downside in the ampullete. 

Christmas depression. Its real. It sucks. 
When I was 14, by the time I was, oooh, eighteen, I
was going to be the new girlfriend of Johnny Depp, and
I would have written four novels. 

This time last year, I got itchy feet. I felt
frustrated and thats when I decided to write a
fanzine. I was also intending on growning my hair
(especially my fringe for that sexy smouldering snarly
shoegazer chick effect) and wearing doc martens.
The only thing I haven't done is buy doc Martens.

But in the summer.. well, by now I was going to be
living in a lovely flat somewhere in glasgow, with
wooden floors and luxurious big windows and have a
balcony where I could keep my bike and a few pot
plants. The floors would be wooden, and I already had
my choice of furniture from Habitat and Ikea. (By the
way, its not pronounced Eye-key-ah, its iky-ah).
I had two bedrooms, one done up in purple, or maybe a
passionate red, with a TV and a sofa bed.
I was going to be working for the BBC, and driving a
little car (or "mo'ha" as they say in Eastenders.)
around the streets of glasgow, with Belle And
Sebastian playing. And I would drive by the bus stops
and see fellow sinisterians looking all folorn in the
rain and I'd offer them a lift. 
In the summer I had all these grand plans.
The ones I made last winter have mostly come to
fruition.

A few years ago, I bought a set of oil paints. I was
going to be a painter.
A few years before that, when I was still at school, I
bought flares- for the first time ever, had a hair
cut, and painted my bag with tippex.

And other changes at new year? 
hmm. I've bought all sorts of things to try and
relieve some of my realisations that I am:
a. getting older
b. Not doing the things I had planned to do
c. Better do something about it.


I think 2001 has been 80% sucessful for me.

So, SINISTER! (WAKEY WAKEY! I've finished with the
boring me me me stuff)

What are your plans for 2002?
tell your dreams... this time next year, what are you
doing? where are you? 
What are the things you really want to do?
Have you done some of the things with 2001 as you had
intended? 

Is anyone else getting Christmas blues? Why? What
about? What are your deepest, deepest dreams? How
badly do you want them?

I went to this thing on Tuesday which was a
promotional night at the Holyrood Hotel in Edinburgh
for work. They were trying to sweet talk me and thirty
odd other women into making syure that we book all our
clients ingto their hotel. Our company contract is a
big one.and had my tarot read. It was fantastic. I was
paranoid she might guess stuff about me. I was in my
work clothes, and I took off my name badge incase she
spotted my foreign first name. I didn't nod or shake
my head, I didn't utter a word. 
But she predicted a load of things. That I was into
music. I played a musical instrument. I'm working to
earn money, to keep a roof over my head. Its the
sensible option, but my heart is pulling at me to
follow it. Only my dreams in my heart aren't safe-
working makes sure I have money. I'm probably doing
two jobs at once. I have a passion for writing. 

Well, you work out how true it is. I'm a temp. Its not
a career move. I play guitar and am thinking of
forming a band with my boyfriend. I write. (I'm
writing a story right now as it happens). I'm the
editor of a fanzine.

So its made me question my work even more- why am I
doing this? its made me more determined to follow my
heart. 
If anyones interested, I have this womans number.

right, better go, I'm off to stirling in five minutes.



Cheers

idles





=====
http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/corduroysmoke and the world did get covered in a thick haze of corduroy smoke. And it felt good.

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