Sinister: you made me forget my dreams...

[Rachel]

Hello Sinister!
This morning I woke up knowing that another girl is asleep in my
boyfriend's bed next to him.  And it's my birthday...

I am trying to not be "the girl" about it, you know? Jealous and
suspicious...but i think I have a right to be. This said girl asleep
next to the boyfriend is actually his ex girlfriend.  They are good
friends.  I can't deny him that.  She's been here since Friday and I
haven't met her.  Part of me wants to, but part of me doesn't.

Maybe I give him too much power over me.  He is very young, only 18.
He is going through an intense art school and it's his first time at
college and living on his own.  He keeps me at arm's length a lot
because he is afraid of falling in love and being distracted from his
work.  My mind is telling me that I'm an idiot and I shouldn't have
gotten this far into it.  My heart is telling me that he's special
and I just need to be patient.  And then my mind scolds my heart for
being so naive and that there is NO WAY this is going to work out. 
See, the thing is, if I were 18 too, I would be FLIPPED OUT over this
ex girlfriend thing.  I would be HATING HIM.  How dare he allow her
to come to visit over MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND!!!  But now that I'm in my
mid-twenties, I see that he has no control over these things.
Especially because he's 18. I think I am learning, the hard way, the
process of the male mind.  And he tells me that I always know what
he's thinking, that I can see down to the core of him.  It bothers
him.  It bothers me today because if I truly know what he's thinking
then this situation with his ex girlfriend is not as innocent as it
seems.  I think he wants something to happen between them.

We're supposed to see Ivy play tonight. He *forgot* and made plans to
meet with his cousin about a project they're working on. He changed
his meeting with his cousin, but GOD, he didn't even have it on his
mind that it is my birthday and we made plans for this 2 months ago! 
Now he's saying he'll bring his friend along.  I told him that he
doesn't have to go with me. But he says he wants to, but I told him
to call me when he figures it out.  And so far, no call.  I think I'd
rather go alone.  I don't want it to be tense and be this THING and
I'm a little bit afraid I might act like a big bitch.  It's just so
weird to think that less than a month ago, everything was good, we
danced onstage with Belle & Sebastian together!  I felt like we
were...I dunno...grate together.  Even Stuart noticed.

This is a wake up call for me.  it's not easy to admit when something
that you want to work out so badly is just not going to. THIS IS MY
WEEKEND DAMNIT!!!!  Last night as I drove up Highland Ave in
Hollywood, on my way home from a club that I went to by myself, I
decided that I will go to this show tonight by myself as well.  Colin
in Lexington is brave enough to move to Chicago by himself, so I can
certainly go out on my own.  Besides, if I don't get out there I'll
never meet any nice boys... It just reminds me of a Morrissey line
"You are repressed, but you're remarkably dressed" and I will be
smartly dressed, after all. so...
That's my story.

I know this is long, but I just have a couple other things to talk
about.

here's something I like to call
**************DIDN'T CHU KNOW**************
It's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved Red
Bull...

And in !Viva Rachels! news, Rachel Sunset, who I will aptly call
Rachel Sunny Side Up in accordance with our breakfast theme, has just
announced that she is in fact a sinister spy.  That would explain why
she has used the name Rachel, she thought she's just slip right into
the ranks...and a fine plan it was... There are 5 of us now? I think
we have enough Rachels to challenge the list Williams to a "battle of
Wills".  What that entails is another matter altogether. Maybe some
other Rachel or William listees have some ideas?  Or any non-rachel
or non-william listees, feel free to give us suggestions!  What do
you think Rachels Cornflake, Grape-nut (hey Rachel Grape, please
e-mail me!), Archel Toast, Rachel Sunny Side Up?  Did I miss anyone?

I'd like to tell Will, JenOwl, Kirsten and Astrid that your posts
are...well, grate.  I really enjoyed them, so thank you. 

The Boy Colin sent me the most adorable presents and a mix cd that is
superb.  He is a sweetheart. I'm so lucky to have friends like him
and all the rest of you sinisterines!! (that means you, too, Elise!)

And one more thing.  I think we've sort of passed over the fact that
Belle & Sebastian did a cover of BILLIE JEAN!!!!  Where was that? 
Seattle?  WHY do they rock my world so!!!?  I wish I could have seen
and heard that.

I'm off to get smartly dressed for the Ivy show...

Love to all of you,
Rachel the Crazy Smartly Dressed Fruitloop





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