Sinister: Give yourself up to the allure of catcher in the rye

[Rachel]

Helloooooo Sinister!
The fall weather lately in Southern California is GORGEOUS!  It's
still very summer-like, but the difference is that the temperature
has been *perfect* in the heat of the afternoon.  Not too hot, but
warm enough to not need a sweater. The other day there were brown
leaves blowing on the ground everywhere, I could smell the stale
eucalyptus, and the sunlight was so golden and slanty that it was
practically neon.  The sky seemed like it was powdered in on velvet. 
As the sun sank, the marine layer drifted in from the coast and
created a filter that made the sunset easier to catch a glimpse of. 
The swirls of gray fog along the bottom of the blushing pink skyline
greedily swallowed up the hovering copper disk, like waves lapping
over some beautiful jewel glowing in the ocean.  I like to fantasise
sometimes that the sky is really the ocean and the ocean is really
the sky, but my head starts spinning and then I wish I were
somersaulting down the grassy hills in the park by my parents' house
and feeling the itch of the grass down my back, so much like the tags
on the new clothes my mother would dress me in every fall... I love
this season, but it somehow always makes me sad, like it does many of
you.  I notice that a lot of major shifts happen in my life in the
autumn, so that could have more to do with it than the weather.  The
weather makes me happy.  The weather makes me feel like I know what
it's like to be in love.
On the subject of love, true love, hope for love, disbelief in love,
etc... I think that I used to be a cynic when it comes to love, but
now that I'm older I have a new perspective on it.  I think when I
was younger I thought about love as being an everlasting state that
was of mythical preportions.  But now I think that people fall in
love when they are ready for it and they meet the right person.  But
I think that love comes and goes and sometimes because you love
somebody, it doesn't mean that you won't make stupid choices or
decisions that won't hurt each other, hopefully not consciously.
Sometimes you break up because of life choices, not because you don't
love someone.  Sometimes you make these choices because your love for
that other person doesn't outweigh what you need to do for yourself. 
And what they need to do for themselves doesn't match your needs. 
It's a lot of work and you make yourself extremely vulnerable.  But
along with love comes trust so you can feel comforted in the
knowledge that you both will understand each other and know each
other more intimately than anyone else.  I am not in love. I don't
love myself most of the time, and I think that is a big factor in
finding love. And I don't think it's possible to love somebody when
you don't make room for it and if you don't find someone who has made
room to love you, too.
I thought of this the other night whilst driving home from Hollywood.
 The Faint concert was sold out, but I didn't mind because I took the
long way home and listened to my tape of unrequited and sad love
songs.  it was so peaceful to follow the curves of Sunset Blvd
through Bel-air and Beverly, up past UCLA and around bend after bend,
just driving and thinking.  Singing harmonies along to "There is a
Light that Never Goes Out" by the Smiths.  Pressing my arm up against
the glass and feeling it's coolness dissipated by the heat of my
body. "Simple Things" by our beloved B&S...said everything and more. 
I sang out because it's not too late, I had nowhere to be and "Talk
Show Host" by Radiohead just melted away everything and my life was
beautiful again... I could make room for love, I think.
I hope I feel this way tomorrow. I'm going to post again then. Just a
warning!
Love to you all,
Rachel fruitloop


__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
NEW from Yahoo! GeoCities - quick and easy web site hosting, just $8.95/month.
http://geocities.yahoo.com/ps/info1
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
        +---+  Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list  +---+
     To send to the list mail sinister at missprint.org. To unsubscribe
     send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to
     majordomo at missprint.org.  WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister
 +-+       "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper           +-+
 +-+  "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+
 +-+    "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000     +-+
 +-+  "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000  +-+
 +-+  "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001   +-+
 +-+               Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa                 +-+
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+