Sinister: so much on me

[juju cat]

halo

i am juju...
this is my first post ::


i read his words this morning, and the air became heavier. it is thick and 
suffocating. who would think that air could suffocate you.. just one day, 
and all our lives were altered. that was when the heaviness really began. 
and it has lasted this long. a broken heart takes time to heal, but the time 
that keeps passing me by is fleeting, not healing. it is taking, not giving. 
it is flirting, but never willing to stick around. i want to embrace it.


we saw b&s together one loverly night last month. i took him backstage, and 
we were too shy to meet the band. i was giddy just to be with him. our 
mutual heroes seemed to fade in the distance whilst we had each other to 
gaze upon... he wanted to *talk*.. so we stayed up till 4am. then we found a 
hotel and slept for a few hours. he clammed up- kept in his shell with his 
secret-- till morning. then he said he was in love with me.. he said he 
drove from new york to californ-i-ay listening to one of my songs and 
realized it.. and you'd think that's when everything would get better... but 
i only remember crying the rest of the day. because he doesn't want it. he 
wants to follow his bliss and fly and sail and run run run, 'anywhere but 
here' he says.. anwhere.. and i can't get it out of my mind that it would be 
nicest to have somebody to come home to and share that bliss with-- you 
know, at the end of the day, once you've had enough of the dream chasing.. 
but this one, he is strange.


so we laid on the grass by the exploratorium, took pictures of swans, 
watched the sun set, caught another b&s show.. i cried and kissed his cheek 
good-bye.. all the time, i wasn't understanding how or why.. or what came 
next.. what do i do now? we've come so close, and yet he is still turning 
away. ?

....he calls me an angel. he swoons to music i write (he is my muse..). he 
takes my breath away whenever i see him.. which
is not often, for he lives a few hours away.. we meet at shows in the city. 
we dance like geeks in the crowd together. then we part, only to rejoin 
later in cyberspace (he's here now)... he is everything to me. it looks like 
the perfect situation, but it is so far out of reach... and this week he may 
lose his job, and i may never see him again, for he will do drastic things 
like sell his scooters and fly away-- and i will be left here :: just juju.


at sigur ros, my little friend fainted. he carried her. got her food and 
water, and she kept warm in his coat. i felt his gaze on me the entire show. 
he told me later that i was glowing. are these not things that would make us 
closer? but we are still as far apart as ever.. i wonder why we met then? i 
wonder why one day i rode behind him on his scooter, while the sunlight 
washed over my smiling countenance and i felt happiness for the first time 
in ages.. i saw things clearly.. my life changed... i wonder why it had to 
be him that made that happen.. i wonder why he would come into me like a 
bolt, and then just disapear without a sound. i wonder why music is as 
powerful as it is. that we both sat as silent as statues when stuart sang 
/you made me forget my dreams/..



i wonder what will happen to my life once he has gone.. i wonder if i can 
ever hear /we rule the school/ again without sobbing. i wonder if we're all 
just foxes in the snow, and we're about to disappear...


?


juju and her dream of rockets


ps  no matter what happens, i cna never hear the b&s cds the same way 
again.. it was so overwhelmingly gorgeous live, that it is a dull comparison 
now.. stu's voice was golden. stevie was a doll. and i will never forget...

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