Sinister: Shared Beds And Lesbian Spirits

[Will Salt]

Yes, it's me again.  Don't expect me to keep up with my (apparent)
reputation.  No, it wasn't me that was sharing a bed.

I know that two people -- Mr Walton and Mr Carsmile, indeed -- have
already mentioned that there is a Jamie Oliver trailer running on BBC 2
that uses A Spaceboy Dream as background music.  I have more Jamie Oliver
news, but it's not very interesting.  I read an interview with him (in
"Heat" magazine), which stated that he loves the name Honey.  I couldn't
help wondering if he is actually a secret listee and wants to name his
children after our lovely princess.

Various people have also mentioned that Stacey Dahling is in Britain at
the moment, zooming round the country trying to say hello to everybody.
She visited me: in fact, she slept with someone (not me) in the room i'm
sat in right now.  In return, she gave me a bottle of Lesbian Ouzo, which
is very tasty.

Like several other people you might know, me and her both went to see the
Dudley Corporation and Joan Of Arse the other day.  Terribly impressive, I
must say.  Dudley himself was on the door taking the money; I was tempted
to say "I've met you in an internet chat-room," but he probably wouldn't
have known who I was.

I don't normally read Heat magazine, but my flatmate had left it lying
around.  I normally don't read it because I think it's full of nothing but
vacuous celebrity "news".  I think we're supposed to be nice to them,
though, because once-upon-a-time they let Honey re-publish one of their
articles on the Sinister website.

There's going to be a picnic soon.  Well, a pub-nic.  It's going to be in
Dundee, and you all should come along.  I'm sure Dundee isn't as bad as
its reputation would suggest.  And the girls (and dog) who are the
picnicmummys are all lovely people (and a lovely dog).

Richard Gillanders has already told you all that he got whipped at the
weekend.  I should probably own up, it was my fault.  My plaits kept
flicking him in the face every time I turned my head.  It was a gentle
whipping, but a whipping nonetheless.  I'm sorry.  I was probably quite
drunk at the time.  That Stacey, she's a Bad Influence.

The whole The Rachels Versus The Wills thing sounds quite scary, because
the Wills are getting rather outnumbered.  I'm tempted to defect and
change my name to Rachel.  The Wills still might have a chance, though,
just by sheer Will Power.  Groan.

Dudley certainly jumps up and down a lot on stage.  He's extremely
energetic, you know.  I had to leave one of his gigs early, and had to be
very careful not to get hit by him as I left.  I had a train to catch, so
that I could go home and feed the cat.  The Corporation's bass player, by
contrast, stands very still indeed when playing.  Hardly moves a muscle.
Apart from in his fingers, obviously.

Stacey seemed very interested in lesbian stories, as it happens.  She told
us one about accidentally taking her parents to a lesbian topless beach,
and another about the mad lesbian stalker who would sit outside the door
of her college dorm.  I think it was a Lesbian topless lesbian beach,
even.  or maybe topless lesbian Lesbian beach.

My annoyingly deranged flatmate was being annoying again the other day.  I
have been cleaning out my bedroom wardrobe, drawers and so on, and as part
of that I took out everything of hers as I found it and left it in her
bedroom.  Because it's hers.  "Get a grip!" she shouted.  "Stop putting my
things in my bedroom!"  I suppose that, given that she has not looked for
these things for over a year, she wouldn't notice what I do with them.
Shame I can't sell any of it.  She owes me about four months' rent arrears
at the moment.  A thousand quid, in round numbers.

Richard also said "I sat in a stairwell and looked famous.  with a famous
looking girl."  I witnessed this myself, and it's *true*.  As I was
leaving the gig, I passed them on the stairs.  I waved back as I left.
And they *do* look famous.  There's a picture of them on the web
somewhere, albeit not sat on a staircase.

I'm not actually *defective*, you understand.  I just want to be on the
winning side; and besides, it might stop Will Porter challenging me to
duels in #sinister for the right to be known as Will.  If I become a
Rachel, can I be called Rachel Porridge?

Maybe Jamie Oliver should come to the Dundee picnic, if he really is a
secret lurking listee.  He could afford to hire a limousine, I imagine.
Double groan.  I'm sure he'd be welcome.

It might even have been a Lesbian lesbian topless beach.  She certainly
gets drunk quickly, I know that.

I seem to be talking in shorter sentences today.  Yes.  Short ones.  Who
can I blame?  As an influence?  Well?

The flatmate is a bit scared of Sinister people, actually.  She avoided
the place all the time Stacey was here, sleeping at work instead.  She
*said* it was because she had had to do lots of overtime, but I was a bit
suspicious of the way she disappeared the day I had told her Stacey was
arriving and reappeared the day after she left.  Maybe I should invite
listees to move in, and she'd stay away all the time.  Stacey cooked me a
lovely meal, incidentally.  Pasta.  See, I *am* starting to write like
Richard does.

I would have asked if I could be called Rachel Bacon, but then people
might confuse me with the similarly-named (formerly-)drug-taking TV
presenter Richard Bacon.  And we wouldn't want that.  I already realise
that if I became a writer I'd have to change my name in case people
confused me with Will Self.

Have you read Madeleine McNeill's post?  You should, it's lovely.
Apparently, her loved one's brother *might well* have been at one of the
Dudley Corporation gigs, which is an intriguing coincidence.  Jamie Oliver
wasn't there, though.  Unless he turned up after I left.

It might even have been "topless Lesbian lesbian beach".  I still haven't
drunk all the ouzo.






xx
gneissy




-- 
Will Salt
http://www.btinternet.com/~wpsalt/

+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
        +---+  Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list  +---+
     To send to the list mail sinister at missprint.org. To unsubscribe
     send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to
     majordomo at missprint.org.  WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister
 +-+       "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper           +-+
 +-+  "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+
 +-+    "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000     +-+
 +-+  "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000  +-+
 +-+  "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001   +-+
 +-+               Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa                 +-+
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+