Sinister: Well,I can see that river whenever I think about them

[Dimitra]

Today I woke up when I usually go to bed. At about half seven. I don't think
I've been up before twelve in the last two months, and I had missed the way
the morning feels. I spent an hour trying to get back to sleep and then I
got up and spent a few hours jumping around the house -which is a total
mess- while my bitchy brother was asleep. Waking up early might suck in
general, but this time it was great fun. The whole morning stretching in
front of me, so many things I could do. I was excited. (And sleepy.)
Looking for inspiration, I read a few posts while eating breakfast. And I
noticed Lloyd Cole was mentioned once again. So I went back in my room and
tried to guess which one of the various boxes, in which most of my stuff
still lies -I moved three weeks ago, but well-, were my Lloyd Cole cds. Then
I went back and played Rattlesnakes to myself while finishing my breakfast.
Which -the song- inspired me to make half a tape. And to writing five
emails. I think I mentioned Lloyd Cole in all of them. That, along with the
jumping around, was all I did all the morning and noon. But I enjoyed it a
lot.
Here comes the part about the weather: it has, eventually, got chilly. In a
way that makes you sure it won't be warm again, at least not after the sun
sets. And it was cloudy. And grey. Which is quite rare around here. I know
cloudy and grey can be depressing, but when it's the first time in six
months, it's exciting. And it reminded me of a train journey last August
from Paris to Munster (that's somewhere in north-western Germany), which
made it all more exciting.
It also made me wish I was still looking at the world the way I was during
that train journey. When everything was clear and colourful, and I felt
strong and ready for whatever was to come. It was a wonderful feeling and it
made me be really happy for a whole week. Happy as in waking up smiling
every morning and taking pleasure in everything I did. That was two months
ago, and this morning, at half eight, I realised that by now I had lost this
feeling completely.
And I wished really hard it would come back.

I think my wish had some effect. Although not the one I wished for -at least
not yet.
Because that had been one of the craziest days of my life. The weird thing
about it is I spend most of it in front of the computer. And next to the
phone.
And also listening to Lloyd Cole; all day; which got me feeling heartbroken.
But it's kind of an illusion. Because I'm not heartbroken. I feel lost. And
weird, and tense.  And a bit sad.
[All my friends in this town are pissed off with me. So I have no one to
talk to tonight. Some of them will change their mind soon and love me again.
Some won't, I guess. (There were two of them)]
But not heartbroken. I think there's something good to it. I think it's one
of this days that are weird cause they're the start of something different.


Love, and all the things that make you feel and care,
Dimitra









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