Sinister: the hardest part is yet to come

[lindsey baker]

hello sinister.

i decided. to post. again.

so. this may be not funny. like my usual posts. i don't know what was wrong
with me yesterday. hm.

i'm home from university for fall break, as they call it, and so, so ready
to go back to school. i love my family, yes. but. life, as it is called, is
sucking and being home seems to only make it worse.

this morning i decided to put my makeup on in my sister's room. and as i was
putting on my face for the world, i heard her watches ticking in her jewelry
box. about five or six of them, all ticking very loudly at different paces
of seconds. and the sound made me quite sad.

i had no music to drown out the time. and so was forced to listen to
swatches telling me what a waste every wasted day is. (my sister and i love
swatch watches. but they tick. very. very. loudly.)

death cab for cutie say in one of their songs 'waste a day so i can think
clearly.'

and i think i hope i can think clearly when i go back to school and have to
face not only that male cheerleader, but also the ex-dating boy man and the
Boy I Love.

when you realize you love someone. you get. scared. and when i realized i
loved the boy i love, i had to face facts that i was dating someone else and
that the boy i love doesn't love me so much in return.

thus.

i have come to think love is. overrated.

now you'll all tell me "no, lindsey. love is wonderful and special and so so
so good at the right right right time with the best best best man."

danny, in particular, will say, 'lindsey, you must not think this way.'

but. i do. so there.

it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

well. i have loved. i do love. and am losing. because the boy. never loved.
doesn't love. at all.

those things -- the losing and the never loving -- i think, cannot be
separated. if you lose someone, how much love was there to start with? and
once you lose someone or some love, isn't it expected that you'll just start
over? like you never loved at all?

oops, i thought i loved you, but i was just kidding?

of course, i'll wait for this love for this boy to ebb. and then i can say,
yes. i loved someone. no matter that the love was unrequited -- in fact,
brutally rebuffed time and time again by the confused and alleged bastard --
and no matter that the love hurt like hell and no matter that the love
wasted left the lover leary of ever loving fully and truly.

no matter.

well. that's not my style.

so lovers can take their hearts and roses and candy and put it on the shelf
next to the godfather triology.

overrated.

i want to go away now, and never come back. i want to go where the apples in
stereo sing about. 

but.

i must. go back. to school. and broken. broken. broken. 

hearts.

lindsey





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