Sinister: If you want to use the crapper, you'll have to read my manifesto

[Nope]

My life is summed up by a poster hanging above my toilet. Its a quote from
trainspotting - something along the lines of 'Choose Life', but expounded on
in 10 sentences or so, my favorite being 'And wondering who the fuck you are
on Sunday morning' So, if you use my toilet at my house, you'll be forced to
read how I look at the world. When I moved about a week ago, I hung said
poster and I was inspired.

I was inspired to write a short story about a not-so-evil Scotsman that had
the only lavatory in a small tourist town, 30 miles south of Inverness. The
story is told in the first person by some unwitting tourist, probably
American. I may as well expound on the stereotype to please the Europeans in
the readership, specifically the French, who think of Americans as
especially unwitting.

Whelp, anyway, the American eats a heavy meal of steak pie and McEwans in
the previous town he visits, and finds himself in a quaint village where the
not-so-evil Scotsman has his shop and an exclusive lock on the washing up
facilities. The American walks in, and after a not so heated exchange and
the realization that he really doesn't have a choice, takes the manifesto
and makes his way to the crapper. And after all, being forced to read the
manifesto really isn't that big a deal. It may actually be interesting,
thinks the tourist.

The manifesto lays out the not-so-evil Scotsman's plan of first raising his
henchmen army by forcing people to read his self-purported, very convincing
manifesto by the diabolical means to which the unwitting tourist has himself
been subject. It goes on to describe the Scotsman's plan to turn everyone in
the world into Scotsmen by dispersing a 'wurrm' which will cause men to be
unable to reproduce unless they have wool against their willies and thus
forcing them to wear a kilt, sans underwear, during their waking hours. The
hope of the plan is not to hold the world population for ransom, for the
Scotsman knows how hard it is to part with a farthing. Its not for fame, or
power. He just thinks it is really cool to be Scottish, and thinks everyone
else in the world should be, too.

The American, nearly at the end of his trip, sees the vaildity of the plan.
After all, it is good to be Scottish. During his trip, the American has
tasted good beer, listened to Belle and Sebastian, and has seen the sublime
beauty of the highlands in the summertime, all green and fertile. The plan
is working perfectly, thinks the not-so-evil Scotsman. But the American is
not so easily swayed. After all, Belle and Sebastian tour America. He can
buy a pint of Irn Bru at the local bodega. And it would be as dreary as a
Glasgow rainstorm if there was nothing else in the world of any other color
but tartan.

The American, now relieved, flushes, and bids a good day to the not-so-evil
Scotsman. The Scotsman replies in kind.


In the movie version, I'll try to get Sean Connery to play the part of the
Scotsman.

John

+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
        +---+  Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list  +---+
     To send to the list mail sinister at missprint.org. To unsubscribe
     send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to
     majordomo at missprint.org.  WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister
 +-+       "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper           +-+
 +-+  "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+
 +-+    "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000     +-+
 +-+  "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000  +-+
 +-+  "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001   +-+
 +-+               Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa                 +-+
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+