Sinister: Live on Sinister TV tonight...

Wed Oct 31 15:44:05 GMT 2001

Good evening, you're watching our exclusive new digital TV station, Sinister
TV. All the news, views and reviews you need from our worldwide army of
correspondents. Coming up: Peter Miller's documentary on the lives of
lemurs, followed by Mark Casarotto in the new series of Queer As Folk. But
now, it's over to James "Dancing" Hatcher in our sports studio for the big
match: Rachel Rovers v Wills United.

(Cue U2's Beautiful Day, to be played at least 20 times in the next
half-hour)

"Good evening, and welcome to the biggest match of the season so far. Rachel
Rovers have won the league for the last two years now, since the untimely
demise of Keith Athletic; but his year they face a new challenge, in the
form of the rejuvenated Wills United. Let's get the views of our expert
guest, none other than the legendary Pinefox."

"Action. Competition. Smooth. Robust. Sense? Nonsense. Good game."

"Thanks for those incisive comments. Now, without further ado, over to John
Motson for commentary on this vital top-of-the-archives game, live from
Honey's Bar."

"Hello, and welcome to this seething cauldron, this theatre of drama, this
temple of wonderment, this..."

"Get on with it!"

"Sorry James, got a bit carried away there. Anyway, We're here in the lounge
area of Honey's Bar for this eagerly anticipated match-up. We've got a huge
crowd of almost six. and they're - no, wait, here come the teams. First out
are Rachel Rovers, led out by their captain, Archel Toast. They jog out to
the centre of the Arena; there's star striker Rachel Fruitloop, Rachel
Grapenut, Rachel Eggs and Bacon, and at the back their goalkeeper Rachel
Haven't-Got-Time-For-Breakfast-Today-I'm-Late-For-Work. They'll be wearing
their home strip today, pink and puce stripes with orange shorts, and the
name of their sponsors Kelloggs on the front.

"Next, here come Wills United. They're led out by Will Porter, just
recovered from a cruciate ligament injury. No, I don't know what one of them
is either, but someone in every sports team you ever see always seem to have
injured theirs. Personally I reckon it's just an excuse because they're too
hungover and can't be bothered to run about for an hour and a half. Anyway,
there's the last few team members coming out of the tunnel from the beer
cellar. So we've just got to wait for the presentations. The guest of honour
today is none other than Llllllaura Lllllllew, aka the face that launched a
thousand hips. She's working her way along the Wills row now, and - oh dear
- Will Salt has run off the pitch after her. That's going to leave their
team one man short for the start of the match. Amazingly, that's the fifth
time he's done that this seaon, and it's only the third game.

"Our referee tonight is Genevieve from Canada, who sent off three people in
her last game in charge. Let's hope we don't get the same again tonight.
There's a screech as the whistle goes - oh, sorry it's just Stuart Murdoch
trying to reach the high notes in She's Losing It again. Right, now they're
underway. The Rachels are off to a good start, gaining possession of the
tape recorder; but a nifty dummy from Will Power and the Go-Betweens CD is
safely in the hands of the keeper. Meanwhile, Rachel is working well down
the left. She passes to Rachel, who does a quick one-two with Rachel. She
boots it upfield, where Rachel brings it down brilliantly; she lays it off
to Rachel, who turns and lifts a cross into the area. It's gone over
Rachel's head, but Rachel is there on the end of it; a quick shot, but Will
is on the end of it and saves spectacularly. Well, a frantic start there,
time for some early comments from our expert summarizer, Idleberry."

"The Rachels are looking good, they've prepared well and done their
homework. Their movement off the ball is superb, and it's only a matter of
time before they get the result they want. A bad tackle there, Will was
lifted completely off the ground, he's got blood on his shirt. But that's
fine, because with new Daz powder, his white shirt will turn out
brilliantly, it works great even on tough stains like blood, mud and red
wine..."

"What are you going on about?"

"Ooops, sorry John, I got a bit carried away there. I'm doing a voiceover
for a washing powder advert tomorrow morning, thought I'd better get some
practice in."

"OK, let's just concentrate on the game Idles, can we?"

"Sorry, it won't happen again. I'll keep it clean from now on. Almost as
clean as washing done with Daz Ultra..."

"Right, that's it, you're sacked as our expert summarizer. Let's get back to
the action, shall we? A quick glance at the scoreboard tells us that it's
now 3-2 to the Rachels, a great match, the best of the season, you don't
want to miss a moment of it. We'll be right back after this short break."

--SNAP--

"I didn't mean that sort of break, you idiot. Anyway, now we're back, the
score is 4-4, so you didn't miss much. Apart from that goal-of-the-season
contender from Rachel Marmalade. But Will HeOrWon'tHe has possession, and is
looking to distribute. Isn't that illegal? A quick look up, and he spots
Will AndTestament upfield. But wait! Just as he was about to make the pass,
a dreadful high challenge came in from Archel Toast, she's tackled him right
in the tackle. He's on the ground, rolling around in pain, clutching his
groin. at least, I hope that's why he's clutching his groin. The referee's
going to have to take some sort of action here. She knows how much damage an
injury there could do to Will's future life, he won't be having any children
for a while. He's married, one child. But that didn't work out, so he
married an adult instead.

"Genevieve, the referee, reaches for her pocket, and what kind of card will
she produce? Yes! It's a Christmas card. she's forcing Archel to sign it and
post it to Will to make friends again. No hard feelings, except possibly in
Will's groin area. So, back to the action, with a free pass to the Wills.
They've gained possession of the tape deck, and are determined to break down
the Rachels' defence and get through to Rachel Cornflake's CD collection.
But hold on, what's going on here? There's some people on the pitch, do they
think it's all over?

"There's a 4-man pitch invasion in progress. Hang on a minute, I recognise
them! It's four members of the Sporting Stuarts team, Rachel Rovers' deadly
rivals. And they look like they're ready to fight! This is terrible, they've
interrupted a superb match just to settle a few old scores. There's Big Stu
trying to start a fight with Will MaFlinstone in the middle of the pitch.
Archel tries to aim a punch at him, but she can't reach. Stuart Hallifax is
chasing a couple of Rachels. Meanwhile, Stuart Murdoch, the ex-boxer, is
taking on the rest of the Wills team single-handed. I'm sure it would be
much more effective if he used both hands, but never mind. And on the far
side of the pitch, Stuart David is working his way round the Rachels team
shouting 'Pish! Pish! Pish!' at them.

"There's chaos all over the pitch. The crowd are getting agitated, and
they're all heading for the bar. And yes, the referee has called off the
game. It's a disgrace, there's going to have to be an enquiry into this. So,
back to James Hatcher in the studio."

"Thank you, John Motson at Honey's Bar. Well, quite extraordinary scenes
there, what did you make of it Pinefox?"

"Disgrace. Panic. Fight. Over."

"Hmmm, interesting. But who do you think was behind all this? Surely the
Stuarts couldn't have organised all this by themselves, so who did? Kirsten
Kenyon has joined us, have you go any idea who might be responsible?"

"Well, it's very tempting to blame the evil Ken Chu for this. But we blamed
him last time in The Case Of The Runaway Thread, so we'd better think of
some new plot ideas this time."

"And what can be done to stop this happening again?"

"Well, it's simple - we just need to pick some random foreign person to
blame. It doesn't matter whether it was them or not, because we won't bother
having a trial, we'll just bomb their country for a few months."

"That's great. So, Pinefox, before we go, any last thoughts?"

"Jump. Rabbit. Paperclip. Time. My Editor."

"Thank you. Well, it's been an eventful day here. We'll be back next week,
when we'll have exclusive coverage of the local derby between the Robins and
the Roberts."

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