No subject

[joanna tsoni]

Lost day...
One Lost day....
One more Lost day....

I draw the curtains aside and for the first time today i see the day 
outside. It's cloudy. And still. Everything seems numb. So silent. And like 
awaiting for something that is yet to come. Though it never does. It's 
always on its way...always imminent and its omnipresence haunts my 
days...For 20 years now our paths have never been crossed....

The windows of the houses and the blocks of flats, like open mouths with 
foul teeth, like eyes that have been pulled out, stare agape into the 
grey-blue void.

I draw thecurtains back and I feel safe in their shade.The Clientele's 
melodies are filling the time and space of my room.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. I don't really think i have 
something to say. As usual. It's just that when I dont have something to say 
I say the most.

. . . . .....

I live, thus i exist....What a misconception! Living doesn't necessarily 
mean existing, and the other way round. Ultimately everybody lives...Each 
one his own separate meaningful in its mediocrity, life....But how many of 
us L i v e and E x i s t at the the same time really?

I think, thus i think....It's been a long time since I last dared to think. 
Immaturity on the one had and the violent outbreak of sexuality on the 
other, led teh brain to a pleasant nirvana...I can't say it was a bad 
experience though....Not at all...Dancing, boozing, singing, meeting people, 
flirting, having sex...I could even describe it as pleasant maybe. The only 
thing is that this specific state of mind has a vEry bIg drawback.....it's 
SO extremely T e m p o r a r y....

Everything was really going very well. Trapped and blinded by all teh luring 
beauties of this new life , on teh outskirts of teenage, the mind thought it 
was HaPpY. But still...deep inside it felt that something wasn't right. 
There was a small void, a little black hole, sucking all the light, that was 
left empty however beutiful life was or seemed to be....

Suddenly everything changed. The heart started beating faster and 
heavier...So intense her beating was that the whole body started to shudder 
and shake. The body hurts. Thinking gets blurred. Arms and legs are 
paralysed. Eyes get wet.

The fairytale wants teh princess to cry over the dead prince and her tears 
to bring him back to life. Fairytales come true as it seems sometimes... 
This cry of pain of the heart was transmitted throughout the body, reached 
the head and was directed to the eyes. The silent guards of subjective 
reality yielded under the glory of Pain.
Tears. Tears of dissilutionment, sadness and doubt.

They slowly flow at first, beginning from the burning hot top, the 
soft,fleshy holes beneath the eyes , ending to the frozen end...my chest. 
They reluctantly yet so decisively carve their descending route on the 
wretched, cold and dusty skin. How strange, instead of becoming a part of 
teh iceberg themselves, they begin to melt the ice. Tears have broken into 
the frozen prison of the mind.I can feel something cracking, breaking inside 
me. maybe that hard stone in me. The only salvation is to bend over the 
cracks on the stone and suck the tears that lies cool and life-giving in the 
depth. However cold, rough and sharp teh rock might be under my bleeding 
lips. Only this tear can put off this inexplicable heat and loosen my bonds.

All, or almost all people fall into the trap sooner or later. Some of them 
remain trapped, stupefied, blinded by this glow and glitter in there. The 
few ones that manage to escape, see that this blinding light is nothing more 
that a 25 W lightbulb. A fake deceptive, faint light, able to lure you only 
because its's teh only source of light in the darkness of the trap. Black, 
Thick Darkness that engulfs you.

Penetrating your body every time you think you achieve something 
important...Money, clothes, abuse, show-off, mindless and emotionless sex. 
Then everything is simple. Thought abandins the body that is left ungoverned 
like the ball of the pin-ball games....

Am I awake? or am i dreraming perhaps? Do I really believe that i have 
broken out of my prison at last while i have only been transferred to a 
deeper cell? I dont know but my heart hurts. ....Not that much......just a 
little....but it hurts....I can feel it...I recognise that pain....It's been 
a long time since I last hurt like that and i remember choosing the 
shameless selling of myself in order to avoid feeling anything ever 
again.....

I collect my broken pieces off the ground. The war was short but 
destructive.... I'll need some time to recover. But i wont give up.... I'll 
keep fighting my own war, Alone. I'll keep searching for my Utopia. I still 
have a lot to learn. But i can do it... A step at a time....

.......

sorry for the tremendous lenght of this....but i suppose i can get away with 
it since its been more than 3-4 months since i last pestered the list with 
my rants.....

cheers from athens that can't make up her mind....whether its autumn or 
summer still......

joan of dark

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