Sinister: The Onion-- Harry Potter story

[colin thornton]

Glasgow, Scotland--  In a surprising press conference today, Harry Potter 
announced that he will be singing on Belle and Sebastian's newest album 
release.  The young wizard from Hogwarts School declared himself a "huge 
fan" of the fey Scottish octet.

"They play all sorts of crazy instruments- like the electric sitar and the 
hammond organ," declares the young obsessed fictional character. His 
knowledge of the band goes far beyond the range of what a normal fan should 
know.  "Isobel has her own band called Gentle Waves but thats an album that 
Colin Creevy would like."

Colin Creevy couldn't be reached for an interview, but Harry's bookish 
friend, Hermione Granger, discussed her thoughts on Harry's obsession.  
"Harry thinks I would like Belle and Sebastian because they read narrative 
over some of their songs.  I haven't quite told him that they're reading 
from 'Curses and Spells Volume Three' yet.  I'm still secretly solving the 
mystery, which will surely get me into trouble, but I'll tell you that 
Stuart Murdoch is not a good little Christian.  Just listen to the lyrics of 
Century of Elvis- actually, don't!  You might turn into a frog."

When asked about the origin of his obsession for Belle and Sebastian, Potter 
said, "Look at me!  I wear indie glasses.  I'm shy and socially distant from 
my peers.  I grew up in an abusive home with parents who didn't understand 
my capabilities.  I fly on a broom and try to catch a flying golden sphere.  
How could I NOT be a fan of Belle and Sebastian?"

Harry Potter can be heard on Belle and Sebastian's newest E.P. "Duets", 
which will feature other various actors and artists such as Angelina Jolie 
(married to Billy Bob Thornton), Jack Black (High Fidelity), and Bashful 
(the dwarf).  Potter has no plans to release a solo album, but if 
gameskeeper Hagrid get his way- grunge will make a comeback and Harry will 
be the next Curt Cobaine.  "Not bloody likely," the young wizard smiles, 
"not bloody likely at all."

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