Sinister: chins up

[Stankin' Cooter]

Alright, I’m sorry, I wasn’t going to post. I know you've all got full 
enough inboxes already. I couldn’t possibly be further away from all this, 
being almost exactly on the opposite side of the world, but that hasn’t 
stopped me from spending the last couple of days with a knot in my stomach 
and fog in my eyes.

I’m not going to speculate, offer fortune-cookie philosophy, or talk 
politics, as although these thoughts bump around in my head in my more 
detached moments, I really can’t get away from the thought of the actual 
people involved. Hundreds of people have needlessly and horrifically died, 
and many more have lost those that they love. Most of them don’t even know 
for sure yet.

Many more again will not be able to feel safe and genuinely free in their 
homes for some time, having seen what they’ve seen. I know this is about so 
much more than that, but that’s really the only terms I can think of it in 
for the moment. This in itself is too big for me to get my head around. I 
can’t think of a way to say this that won’t sound hollow and meaningless, 
but I’m feeling deeply for each and every one of you that’s been touched by 
this.

I was actually chatting in #sinister at the time this happened, probably 
grizzling on about something completely unimportant, like I normally do. 
Some sod drunkenly kicked a hole in my living room wall on the weekend, I 
was most likely moaning about that. When Madeleine first mentioned what was 
happening, I thought that she was kidding around, or had been taken in by a 
hoax. As I switched on the television, and #sinister began to fill up with 
people looking for news of those in New York about whom they care, it all 
slowly started to sink in. It still hasn’t completely.

I cannot describe the surge of relief and joy I felt as each of the New York 
people I know from #sinister arrived. They were all accounted for, and my 
very elation at this fact made me feel small, weak and selfish. I was 
chatting with people who saw this happen with their own eyes, and they 
carried themselves with such grace, composure and hope, that even in my own 
shock, I found myself in complete awe of them.

If this had happened in a week’s time, my mother would have been there. The 
fact that she isn’t there makes me happy as well, but I’m sickened with 
guilt at the feeling, as it means that I’m pleased that of all the people 
affected by this, that’s one other person that’s lost their mother instead 
of me. I’d like to think that we’re all in this together, but my home and 
office are still standing, my friends are all alive, and I can still phone 
my mum. It would be hypocritical and vile of me to say that I can understand 
what many of you must be going through.

When I finally dragged myself home to get a couple of hours sleep, I looked 
at the hole in the living room wall. It seemed very small and unimportant. 
The world also seems smaller now, and the people in it seem less dissimilar.

Last night I realised that I hadn’t really listened to any music for a 
while, or really done anything except try to work, while emailing, chatting 
and keeping one eye and one ear on the television. I walked home in the 
small hours, and listened to my walkman. My absolute favourite listee had 
made and sent me a tape, from New York City, which had reached me just 
before this happened. I listened to it, and in spite of myself, I smiled.

We are still surrounded by beauty in this world, and it’s not as fragile as 
it seems. Cling to it.

The only thing I’d ask of all the American listees is that you don’t let 
this change who you are (even the ones I normally bicker with). That would 
be the worst possible result out of all this, and the only way in which 
whoever has struck against you can win. You might still want to think about 
changing your bizarre selection of breakfast foods, however, I’ve never 
understood that ;)

On that note, I’m just going to quickly mention something normal and off 
this subject, before I leave you to it. Another of our finest and most 
highly decorated listees was kind enough to send me a tape of the Camera 
Obscura Peel Session (thanks, Miss Madeleine). It was one of the few things 
that made me smile today, and it reminded me who I normally am, and what I’m 
normally about. To put it another way, it rocked my arse off. So, the 
maddest of all possible props to the King of Partick and his illustrious 
court.

I’ll leave you with even more than my usual consignment of bulk love, and 
absolutely every thought that my boss can do without,
	-David.

Oh, and I almost forgot. THANKYOU. I never really understood the meaning of 
the phrase 'online commumity' before. You lot are the tops.

_________________________________________________________________
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