Sinister: a sobering hour

[marikka]

Amazing how hard one week can be.  Equally amazing is
the immediate change in personality one goes through. 
One day, I was happy and excited, writing letters
because television offered no entertainment and
reading about lead-based paint hazards was not at all
intriguing.  Then the next, I spent shaking, trying to
remember what numbers I had, where I had them, and how
if unable to call I would find people, especially 3000
miles away.  With frantic phone calls into friends, I
learned that two were fine and their families were
fine.  Then I learned that my best friend's mother was
six blocks away and saw it all.  I want to be in
Brooklyn with her right now to hug her and really just
cry with her because I am haunted without seeing it
actually happen.  And now, four days after calling
frantically, my friends are slowly telling us that
they are okay.

And all I have wanted to do is fly to New York to
help.  It still seems so foreign and removed.  Planes
flying into skyscrapers just doesn't happen.  It is as
if we are all forced to live in some terrible disaster
movie where the disaster doesn't stop when someone
screams "Cut!"  Tired from worry, but not fear.  Fear
only hit me last night as I left the East Bay and
drove along Interstate 80 to Sacramento.  Suddenly, I
realized that it might not be over.  Driving home
brought me back to some sort of perspective.  I saw
people on the overpasses with flags and candles and
wanted to explain why I wasn't with them, that at that
exact moment, all I wanted was to see my family, so
instead of stopping I waved.

Now that I am home, all I want to do is something.  It
doesn't need to be important or in anyway profound. 
Maybe I will visit a record store and just stay for
awhile walking around searching.  My sister and I
considered a movie, but aside from fatigue, I think I
am afraid that I will miss something.  I never thought
my life would change in a day.  I never thought I
would be able to care so much about strangers as I
pass them in the store.  Anyway, I think I am going to
go wander about collecting thoughts.  I send my best
wishes to all.

Marikka.

Oh, if anyone is a Yale alum and/or looking for others
go to www.yaleherald.com/safe.

And the Belle and Sebastian shows in SF were fabulous
except for when I nearly fainted Sunday night and had
to run outside for air.


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