Sinister: Crazy "Beautiful"

[Rachel]

Hello Sinister!!
I have just read some entertaining posts, sitting here lazily clicking through them whilst at
work.  I must say that Rinaldo's story about Brian Wilson and his digestive tract has set me up
for the weekend, I'm laughing so hard!! Jim's post about the meaning behind Belle & Sebastian's
songs and how they are not very "twee" is really my reason for posting...
"Beautiful" is really a crushing song to me because it reminds me of one night a couple of years
ago when I was visiting my friend Kyle in Texas (the first person to introduce me to B&S! If Kyle
is reading this, he needs to e-mail me!), and we had been up all night drinking... if you've been
in Texas in June then you know how oppressive the heat is, even in the early morning hours...(It's
EVEN WORSE than it is here in the Los Angeles area!) I was laying there trying to locate the
ceiling, lightly tinged with the shadow through the window shade from the lightening sky
outside.("watching the colours change" if you will...)  We had a fan on in the room turned up
really high so it felt really cool and breezy... And we listened to B&S really loud... it soaked
into every pore in my body and resounded into my bones.  I remember how hot the tears that welled
up in my eyes felt as I listened to the lyrics and thought about how much I loved Kyle and yet he
just lay there unresponsive, with his back to me, wrapped in a sheet... and I knew I'd never have
him cos he didn't feel the same about me. The part at the very end where it's all distant and
metallic sounding is the clincher for me, Stuart sang to me right then "...and everyone she knew
thought she was beautiful, only slightly mental..."
Shortly after that I started taking the anti-depressant medication, Zoloft. (not because of Stuart
singing to me, but because I needed to!) I don't like telling many people about it, but I guess I
can tell you lot because it has to do with the song!  (Colin, this will sound familiar!)  Zoloft
creates this buffer so that I don't dwell on things so much, so I don't go hysterical at any
random moment, so I can stop being OBSESSED, and not spend all of my money following Suede!!  This
is a good thing.  But it also makes it so I feel flat, like I can't get very excited about things,
the emotion is just buried. But the lyrics to "Beautiful" have great personal meaning to me in
this context.  "The doctor told her years ago that she was ill/the doctor told her years ago to
take a pill/the doctor told her years ago that she'd go blind if she wasn't careful"  and the
doctor told me that I was having a severe depressive episode and that I should take this pill, but
if I wasn't careful I could "go blind" because I won't know how to deal with life without it. "she
made herself a pair of orthopedic shoes/she thought it was the answer to the fashion blues/ ...now
she walks with a limp" That's me, I took the drug.  I thought it was the answer to my "she's in
fashion" blues.  and I wasn't careful... I've tried to go off of it twice but now when I try, I
feel out of control without it and I am a wreck.  I am not used to feelings at maximum strength.
"They let Lisa go blind/the world was at her feet and she was looking down" is how my friends and
family treat me...they are relieved that I am not so irratic and irrational anymore, they "let
Lisa go blind" by letting me stay on this drug that is supressing my personality because they
don't know what it feels like to be this way. They don't care as long as I am easy to live with.
The world is at my feet and I AM looking down, I'm feeling broken and weak for being addicted to
this drug "but everyone she knew thought she was beautiful, only slightly mental, beautiful, only
tempermental" most people have no idea that I have to be medicated to function properly anymore, I
look great from the outside, just a "slightly mental" and "tempermental" artist type.  "she
thought it would be fun to try most anything, she was tired of sleeping" that's how I feel about
wanting real passion in my life again, I am tired of being suppressed. But anyway, sorry to keep
going on and on about it...

Just a footnote, I plan to get switched to another anti-depressant that is not so severe, so maybe
I'll have to find a different B&S song to relate to my life, or just think of "Beautiful" in a
different context!  Now you all are probably going to want to refer to me as "Crazy Rachel" in
your posts instead of "Rachel Smartly Dressed" (you're a cutie, Brier!) Not to be confused with
"Rachel Cornflake" or just-returning-home Rachel we all know and love as "archel" Welcome Home!
!Viva Rachels! !Viva Sinister! Love to you all!
Love,
Rachie

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Get email alerts & NEW webcam video instant messaging with Yahoo! Messenger. http://im.yahoo.com
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
        +---+  Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list  +---+
     To send to the list mail sinister at missprint.org. To unsubscribe
     send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to
     majordomo at missprint.org.  WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister
 +-+       "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper           +-+
 +-+  "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+
 +-+    "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000     +-+
 +-+  "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000  +-+
 +-+  "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001   +-+
 +-+               Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa                 +-+
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+