Sinister: Unicorns and cannonballs,palaces and piers,trumpets,towers,tenements,wide oceans full of tears

[Dimitra]

It seems I'll always post about the weather.
Last night, or rather this morning, a Waterboys cd lulled me to sleep. I
woke up in the early afternoon of the first real autumn day, which by now is
nearly over. It was chilly, windy and bright, and, most of all, clear. It
felt like a present: a change to something more beautiful. A day that
inspires you, that asks to be the scenery to beautiful things.
Looking for inspiration to a post, I came across this -in an almost magical
way:
'A stolen kiss is an entire day spread before you, nothing to be done, save
for what you make of it. A morning at a sidewalk cafe with a cup of coffee
and a book. An afternoon on a bench in the sun musing and the smell of
blooms. A late night at the discotheque, with the beat and the chemicals
drowning away the worry. And the next day, you could do it all over again.
Or, do something else. Countless variations to be made; a stolen kiss is a
choice of how to get through the day.'
What to do on a day that feels like a present...?
This kind of weather has me wanting love more tangible, I quoted the Bright
Eyes three weeks ago, and now I repeat, only far more intensely.
It also made me want to lie on my bed and play myself records while watching
the curtain float outside the window. Waterboys again. Jonathan David.
Sixteen lovers lane. Write three different post outlines. Phone my best
friend and run all the way to his house. Walk back half an our later singing
Ask by the Smiths.
But there's not much else I can do. I feel inspired, then I feel lonely for
not having anyone to share this with. And all this unexploited creativity,
it's starting to feel heavy and sad. And I can't help thinking how wonderful
Scotland was and how wonderful the friends I made there are. And how most
things I love and long for are there and I'm here.
Of course, I can study -I have to study- but that's the only thing the
weather makes me not feel like doing. I love learning, I was born curious,
I'm always asking a thousand questions -but it's about things of importance,
and it aims at understanding. It brings a deeper insight into things every
time. But not school... that's just exams, with names and dates and facts,
and a few opinions -but what's the point if you have to memorise them as
well... school is bad for the soul. Even auntsadie knows that.



Stacey Dahling said the other day:
> in less than a week's time, I will be in London and a few days after that
in
> Edinburgh and Glasgow and Leeds and Sheffield and... I really can't wait.
I
> will be with other sinister people, which seems at the same time wonderful
> and scary.

When I did that, it didn't feel scary at all, it felt like the best thing in
the world.

> have you ever tried to explain the sinister phenomenon to someone? isn't
it
> difficult to describe what makes it special and ok and not scary and full
of
> perverts and strangers? we don't feel like strangers do we?  why? it's so
> weird. I can't understand why I feel the absolute need to spend lots of
> money to go meet a bunch of near strangers. they don't feel like strangers
> to me, they feel like friends. and the few sinisterines I have met have
been
> almost instant friends. what is it about this band that makes nearly all
its
> fans so gosh-darned compatible with each other?

I thought that was brilliant. And it broke my heart.
'Gosh-darned compatible' -I don't even know exactly what that means. I know
compatible though, so it makes sense. But Stacey, a sinisterine is not
simply a fan. It might surprise some people sometimes (ie Will Salt in
Dunfermline), but there are loads of non-sinister Belle and Sebastian fans.
Who buys all these records and goes to the concerts? I'm sure Jonathan David
sold more than 1500 copies, right?
Not all Belle and Sebastian fans would read twelve posts a day about other
fans lives, and enjoy it. And well probably not everyone out there does -but
we do. A Sinisterine is a Belle and Sebastian fan with a more or less close
relationship with their computer, and an interest in other fan's lives. I
joined because I thought the posts would feel kind of like the songs. I
think I'll just settle down with saying that... it has already been said, by
Joan of Dark and repeated by Will, that "sometimes Belle and Sebastian feel
like they've become a way of life". What I meant to say is that we live our
lives inspired by them. Or at least look at them in ways inspired by them.

> I've been thinking an awful lot about fate recently. it scares me, but is
> also oddly comforting. I have begun to think that fate had a lot to do
with
> why I am sitting on a bed in a room in a brothel district in Athens, and
> I've been feeling recently that I am ready to just resign myself to fate,
> but that feels a little bit like giving up.

Fate... I don't believe in fate as in what's going to happen being already
decided... but as in things seeming meaningful, I do believe in that. Some
things just seem to be the way they are for a reason. And some others, trips
for example, just feel right -and they look after themselves. And that's
when the best thing you can do is resign, but it doesn't feel like giving
up, it feels like...like what Hefner sing: 'I don't mind since god is on my
side'.


>                                                                 someone
sinister also posed a
> simple yet way-too-complex question to me recently: what do you want? and
I
> can't answer it! do I want people, places, a career, a future, freedom,
> stability, stories to tell the kids, kids? why am I still restless? who do
I
> love? who loves me? who am I?
> it's tough being human, isn't it?

Of course. But I like to think it's rewarding too. That it will be even
more. At some point.
If I lived in a song, it would be a Waterboys one. 'And on that fine and
fateful day/I will take thee in my hands/I will ride on that train,I will be
the fisherman/with light in my head/you in my arms'.

Love, and all the things that make you feel and care,
Dimitra

ps,credits: the stolen kisses paragraph, and the wonderful whatever makes
you feel and care' phrase belong to Matthew Hintz. The subject line belongs
to Mike Scott. And it is about how the world could feel on a day as magical
and as empty as this. Or on any day actually.

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