Sinister: Sober Ramblings

[Madeleine McNeil]

There have been some cracking posts recently, some of them quite honest, 
open and personal. They have given me much to think about.

For example, Dimitra said:

>But there's not much else I can do. I feel inspired, then I feel >lonely 
>for not having anyone to share this with. And all this >unexploited 
>creativity, it's starting to feel heavy and sad.

I read this post in the computer lab in my university library, surrounded by 
people sending free text messages and playing solitaire. I started to write 
a reply, and much in the was Will Salt's did, it all got carried away with 
itself and I lost control of it. I got a tear in my eye and felt rather 
choked, so I simply saved it, left the library and went back to work. Even 
as I was writing my reply, I realised I would not send it to the list, but 
I'm not sure why. It's certainly not because I want to project the image of 
being relentlessly cheerful, and it's not that I don't trust people 
(although trusting 1500 people you've never met is rather strange and 
difficult). Perhaps, I think it is because it's been some time since I have 
felt inspired to think about my honest deep down truths, let alone talk 
about them and share them. I am not a lonely person, without others to share 
things with, and I spent too many years analysing and discussing and digging 
deep inside. For the past year or so, I have put it all away, and while I 
sometimes may consider things about myself, I do not talk about or write 
about them anymore.

The posts that I read and the people that I talk to in #sinister sometimes 
remind me of things that I used to feel before I shut up about all my 
feelings, and I'm not entirely sure whether this is a good or a bad thing. 
Of course, this in itself is yet another thing that needs consideration.


Dimitra also said, when quoting Stacey Dahling (who is rapidly becoming my 
very own Super Girly Sinister Super Hero):

> > Have you ever tried to explain the sinister phenomenon to someone? > 
> >isn't it difficult to describe what makes it special and ok and not > 
> >scary and full of perverts and strangers? we don't feel like >strangers 
>do we?  why?

And it is so bleedin difficult explaining to people why my phone line is 
always engaged whenever they try to call me as I'm chatting in #sinister. Or 
how I can say "Oh, I was talking to my friend about such-and-such this 
morning" and they'll say "Which friend?" "David in Australia", I'll reply. 
They'll ask how I know him and it becomes odd trying to explain it, because 
it's never how people imagine it to be. When Jeremy came to stay, I said to 
the Loved One "I know it will be perfectly OK". "No, you don't know that. 
You *think* it will be OK" was the reply. But it was OK, it was better than 
OK. It was grate. And then people ask you why you've forgotten how to spell 
great/grate. It's all rather tricky.

I'm sorry. I appear to have gone on for much longer than I meant to. Thank 
you for baring with me.

Good News: I'm no longer a member of the Sinister Jobseekers Club, as I 
found gainful employment last week. I'm working at my university taking 
notes in lectures for disabled students. It's a lovely little job and pays 
rather well, I think. But it does feel very odd after five years of not 
having paid work to say "Oh, better go or I'll be late for work". I'm 
enjoying saying it at the moment, but I think the novelty will wear off in 
about, ooooh, two days. But I'm sure it will last longer than my first pay 
cheque.

Much Love

Madeleine
xxx

Honourable mentions to Stacey Dahling, Jeremy, Will and Sir David. Oh, and 
Princess Honey, the star who guides us all (or something like that).


_________________________________________________________________
Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp

+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
        +---+  Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list  +---+
     To send to the list mail sinister at missprint.org. To unsubscribe
     send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to
     majordomo at missprint.org.  WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister
 +-+       "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper           +-+
 +-+  "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+
 +-+    "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000     +-+
 +-+  "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000  +-+
 +-+  "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001   +-+
 +-+               Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa                 +-+
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+