Sinister: Drifting

[Fernando Brito]

It's 21:05, I'm still at work...

####
Listening to Damon and Naomi With Ghost is one of the most saddening
experiences a man can have in his life. I don't know any of the lyrics and
I don't even try to catch them. Their music and Naomi's voice, that's all I
need from them.
The Mirror Phase is playing at this very moment.

####
I'm still at work, I have this "Mission: Impossible" Java based project...
I never worked with that language before... It was supposed to be delivered
last Friday but it won't until next Tuesday. And I'm sure I'll have to work
on this weekend, but I don't really care, I wouldn't have anything to do
anyway...

####
I wrote this about two months ago, I think it's too gloomy and I'm truly
sorry to push it to you, but now I feel just like I felt then, and I want
you to know how it is. This is not a cry for help, you and I know who is
the only person that can help me. And maybe tomorrow I will live again...

I don't live today.

I'm just hiding, safely waiting for something to pass me by, careless of
the fact that this "thing" that passes me by is nothing but my own life.
It's like I'm waiting for my own death, hoping to get through it without
pain.
I'm so worried about not dying that I forget to live. And I can write it in
the present tense, because in spite of being aware of it, I don't do
anything about it!
Everyone knows their problems. I know what my problems are. And it's so
easy to find a solution.
But it takes a long, long way to put it into practice!

Somehow I am a very lucky man!

I never had to work hard for anything in my life. Everything I have came
basically for free.
Even the good career I've got. I didn't even look for this job, they simply
called me because I enrolled in a Lotus Notes training program at my
college and filled my phone number on a paper. But I haven't even finished
the training! In fact even my college came by accident. I was preparing to
try a vacancy at a Social Sciences course, but about 6 months before the
exam I decided to test my skills in another college, and I passed the test
in a very good ranking, in spite of not studying at all. So I decided to go
on and leave my mother and move to my aunt's house in another town.
Now I see that if I haven't tried that test I would probably be unemployed
now, or living a miserable life, with a low wage job. But I've never
planned any of these events, they were just coming, and I just went through
them, almost unnoticeably.
It's tragicomic when I'm talking with my pals at work. Like many others, we
never chose to work with Lotus/IBM products, or in our current company. In
fact the company chose us, Lotus chose us, and we usually laugh about this
unhappy ending! Now we could be working for Microsoft (good!), but instead,
here we are, in an IBM business partner (terrible!)!

Lots of things in our lives change when things like that happen, and life
could be so different... That is what distinguishes those who have more or
less control over their lives.
Me? I just live on...

I'm not happy with my life, with my career, I'm not happy at all. Sometimes
when I'm in front of the computer, at work like I am now, I start to think
that man wasn't made to live this kind of life, spending ten, twelve hours
seating on a chair, looking at the screen, pressing buttons...
But then what do I do about it?
Nothing!

I don't know wheter I'm waiting for someone to see and rescue me, or for
something to change everything, even for bad, so that I would have to take
some attitude.

Meanwhile, life is passing by, I'm 24, tomorrow is too late... And here I
am, sitting in front of this bloody computer, wasting my time.

Drifting.

####
"I Don't live Today"

Will I live tomorrow?
Well, I just can't say.
But I know for sure
I Don't Live Today.

No sun coming through my windows,
feel like I'm sitting at the bottom of a grave.

I wish you'd hurry up and rescue me
so I can be on my miserable way

I Don't Live Today
It's such a shame to waste you time away like this.

Jimi Hendrix

####
I said that I won't have anything to do next weekend, that's true, the only
exception is that I'll have to go out and buy my tickets for the Charlatans
gig. Today I bought the tickets for the Stephen Malkmus gigs, he's playing
here on April 24 and 25, and for free on April 23 in a FNAC next to my
workplace. As a fan I won't miss anything...
And next month I'll have the privilege to see Mogwai in my own
neighborhood! Maybe I'll call them to a cup of tea in my flat only a few
meters from the venue!

####
And as I finish this letter, it's 21:59. The Mirror Phase has already
played three times, for I keep playing the album again and again... now I
must leave and go back home.


Good night for the american, good morning for the european,
kisses & hugs for all!

Fernando Brito

PS: B&S content: I used to like the way the album covers had each one a
particular colour, and wondered if they had some hidden meaning, or if
someday they would be known as "the red album", "the yellow album" and so
on... it's sad to know it's not going to happen. It's even sadder to know
the latest will be called Torytelling by the laids.



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