Sinister: All I need is a pretty song

[Matthew Henderson]

Certain things in life bother me.  In fact, a lot of things in life bother 
me.  Of course, this happens to everyone.

I was talking with my girlfriend the other day about music.  She said she 
used to rely on music to make her happy, but now she relies more on the 
interaction between her and other people.  This is a good thing, I suppose.

The debate about the meaning of music and how important it is has raged on 
and on for years.  But it will never be solved.  I knew this when I was 
talking about it.  I knew it before, and I still know it now.

I just hate the fact that things can't be solved.  I realized it a long time 
ago, the sort of disillusionment of youth that happens to most everyone who 
thinks about it enough.  It was at this point I turned to art and 
entertainment to make me feel better.  Sort of shallow things perhaps, but 
why not?

Politics is annoying in this way.  All the fighting for equal rights, 
liberalism, conservatism, socialism, all of this seems worthless.  It will 
never work out.  We're only human, and as long as a human can do it, he/she 
will fuck someone over.  It's the way we are.  In this respect, a perfect 
government will never work.  There are some better than others, but even in 
the better ones, there are too many problems.  They'll never be fixed, so 
why get angry about it?  Why try to change it?  It seems useless.  However, 
if everyone thinks in this way, nobody will try to change things anymore.  
And big changes have occured, but everything seems so pointless to even try 
anymore. America is so steeped in conservatism, and with all these outside 
elements (terrorism, etc...), it's going to be even harder to change.  It's 
awfully depressing.  This is the old idealist vs. realist thing.  I find it 
harder and harder to be an idealist these days.

Same goes for love, which you indie sentimental folk love to talk about.  
It's all sort of worthless too.  How often do relationships really work out? 
  How giving can one person be for so long?  You know that someone is going 
to get tired, and things will fuck up, and there will be bad patches.  And 
eventually, it will end.  Marriages that last awhile seem to be rare, and 
when they do happen, it's usually at the expense of true happiness or 
dignity on someone's part or something like that.  I know that's vague, but 
whatever.

My cyberpunk class this year has bugged me in the same fashion.  We read 
these articles on the ethics of lawnmower man and the feminisation of the 
male body in Total Recall.  But why?  What's the point?  Why does this 
matter?  What are we learning about?  Are we learning about ourselves?  I 
dont' think so.  Lawnmower Man and Total Recall are both shitty movies in my 
opinion.  Criticism can be constructive if it points out problems and 
plusses that will help the filmaker, or the viewer decide if it's worth 
watching.  But detailed shit like that just doesn't make sense.  It doesn't 
make the meaning any greater for me.  Oh, so the 13th floor and the Matrix 
both involve Buidriad's 4 levels of simulation.  So?  Why is this pertinent 
to anybody or anything?  I took the midterm in there, which was two essays.  
I thumbed through the articles, making up bullshit that sounded good for the 
essay.  I got tired of it, just stopped, turned it in, and left. I got a 
19.5 out of 20.  How is this possible?  I didn't believe in any of it, yet I 
still got a good grade.  It's bullshit.

I don't know.  This is why music is important to me.  It gets me away.  It 
makes me stop thinking of all this senseless shit that nobody will ever 
figure out.  What makes us human, if there is a God, etc...

It's all useless.  I'm tired of fighting it.  I just want to escape.  I'll 
just go put on "Summer Wasting" and feel a lot better.

Sorry if this was long and stupid.  I haven't really read over it.  Or 
proofread, or revised my thoughts.  It's just an on the fly rant.  Feel free 
to email me and bitch about it, I know I deserve it.

-Matt

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