Sinister: Life's not wrong - you just don't get it free

[Dimitra Daisy]

Referring to the greek pop scene, I always used the phrase ‘if such a thing 
exists’. It seems I was wrong, or how else can it be explained that there is 
–at least- one boy in Manila who knows so much about it, about five times as 
much as I do. I was very surprised and it took me a while to get round to 
asking him why he likes these bands ‘They remind me of Sarah Records’, he 
said; ‘they make me happy inside’. I guessed there were more things he 
wanted to say but he couldn’t do so in English. Find an example, I wanted to 
say, but I didn’t. He did nonetheless: he showed me an article and as I 
started to read it I got excited and told everyone I could find around, and 
quoted about half of it to Rachel.

The article can be found here: http://www.furia.com/twas/twas0210.html , but 
don’t go and read it and tell me it doesn’t say all the things I think it 
says, cause I know it. It’s more that it inspired me to those thoughts than 
that I found those thoughts there.

On Saturday I went to lunch with my best friend. It was nice though the 
conversation was confusing. ‘I say one thing, then proceed to say almost the 
opposite’, he said in the end. I looked at him:
‘I asked Jef a question – and he couldn’t answer it, but he showed me and 
article, and the article was supposed to be about Field Mice, but it was 
about Sarah Records, the label they recorded for, but that’s not important – 
and it was about how their view of things changed his life, or just fitted 
into it, how it was his pop dream – but that’s not very important – and he 
mentioned someone on that label that had committed suicide – but that’s not 
very important either… What’s important is that in the end he said, music 
can’t save you if you haven’t decided you’ll be saved. And the conversations 
with you would lead somewhere more, if you had decided you want to get 
somewhere’. He replied something I forgot for a few days.

Yesterday morning I woke up to find Matt had posted, so I read it, still 
half-asleep. And still half-asleep, I looked for that article again without 
really realising it, and I found myself looking at it, too sleepy to read it 
really. And I thought about how things won’t make you believe in them –they 
won’t convince you- if you’ve not decided to believe in them. And I wanted 
to find a good way to say that.

A few hours later, making tape covers, I decided I wanted to photocopy 
something, so I got dressed and went out to walk the 50 meters between my 
house and the shop, but I bumped into that friend and a friend of his 
halfway. I run down the street shouting ‘hey little boy’ and even though 
they know me very well and they know I do stuff like that, and they like it, 
they looked surprised when they turned around – their usual grumbly selves 
faced me, smiling and smelling of strawberry chewing gum. I wasn’t 
ecstatically happy, but the sun was shining and the air was sweet and 
running down the street is fun, so I was smiling. And for the first few 
seconds, they stared; and I didn’t remember the article, instead I 
remembered what my friend had said: ‘you and your friends –he means my 
internet friends, mostly Rachel and John- were born knowing what you want 
from life, while me and the people I know still feel we have to question 
everything’.
All I know is I am inclined to believe and I tend to like things.

But once I had asked him what Breaking Gods Heart means and he said:
Dancing naked in a red forest
Falling in love so much you make him jealous
Loving your favourite band more than you love him
And wanting when you die to live forever in your favourite film and not go 
to heaven.

I made him write it on the back of a photograph (which I seem to have lost). 
Then he fell asleep (on the floor - well not right afterwards but very soon) 
and I sat making a tape and thinking we're breaking his (her) heart when 
we're not as beautiful as we can be. When we're not even trying to be close. 
And also when we are beautiful and sweet and brave -I think we move him to 
tears then.

I don’t think he doesn’t know; I think he just finds it hard to admit he’s 
not like most people around him… Cause then, as Ken eloquently remarked, 
then ‘your friend base is confined to just the people who are tolerant 
enough to not just dismiss you as being strange, or that they kinda like you 
as a person’. *


He will some day though.

Meanwhile, you keep the faith
Dimitra
xx


* Ken is great, he’s insightful and sweet and honest and bouncy. And he 
smiles a lot. You should love him for that. And naturally, show your love by 
sending crush votes to pykachu100 at hotmail.com


ps I would never had written this, or lived the things it talks about, if it 
hadn't been for Hefner, the Field Mice, Raining Pleasure and naturally Belle 
and Sebastian. And so I thank them for that.


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