Sinister: you spent everything you had, wanted everything to stop that bad.

[lindsey baker]

hello sinister.

it's funny how the world stops at five in the morning.

especially on sundays.

i told someone else tonight in a letter about downtown at five a.m. the 
streets were all wet with rain and the air, i'm afraid to report, is no less 
thick than it was at 5 p.m. yesterday. i drove slowly, looking out the car 
windows, wishing that quitting smoking weren't such a chore for me.

and tonight i am wearing this bracelet made of cheap white "gems," the kind 
that sort of look like craft jewels a forty-year-old single woman would glue 
onto her sponge-painted kitten sweatshirt. big rectangles with clear jewels 
of plastic and a sliver backing to make them shiny. you get the picture.

and it was shining in the soft haze of the streetlights and early, early 
dawn, and i smiled a little for the first time all day. i thought that if it 
were not sunday, and if i were wearing a long, black dress and long, black 
gloves, i would head down to the donut shop on the corner of 17th and Q and 
buy a cup of coffee and a sweet. and i would find a window downtown with 
something in it. clothes or jewelry or music. and i would eat my breakfast 
there, waiting for the chorus of moon river to chime in, reminding me that 
this is all just a picture anyway.

it isn't real.

but it is real.

it really is happening.



i am ok. i'll be ok. the doctors just have to figure out what's wrong.

and then i have to remember what it's like to be happy, and how to go about 
feeling that way again.

***

people have said nice things to me lately. thank you for that.

and if i owe any of you emails (sara, i KNOW i owe you some, along with that 
damn parcel that keeps slipping away from me), i promise i shall try to stay 
out of hospitals and things this week and write to you fine people.


love,
lou
xo.




------------------
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_________________________________________________________________
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