Sinister: sometimes I wonder, just for a while

[AMEBIX13 at xxx.com]

Well hello there darling sinister!!!

Wow, Five years eh??  I've only been on for one, but it's been splendid I must say...I want to start this post by thanking Honey for creating this lovely, lovely list.  I've received practical information about one of my favorite bands, been amused at the office, been inspired, been shown that other people feel the way I do, and last, but certainly not least, met some of the most amazing people who I have ever known, directly because of this list...so thank you all.  

On the subject of bitterness:

So yes, I have just gotten to the end of one of the most bitter times in my life, and I am happy to honestly feel more like myself again.  I have come to realize that bitterness is truly not very well suited to me.  I appologise if any of my posts or emails have been tainted by that.  This isn't to say that I'm terribly happy all the time these days, I mean, I'm still human afterall, it's just more that I deal with it a bit differently, if that makes any sense whatsover...hehehe.  I think that i'm just a bit more accepting of things, and life in general, and personally I think it's better for me.  I've regained some of my innocence, and i'm glad to have it back.  Well, I suppose I'm really just a hopeless romantic when it comes down to it.  I see the beauty that I've been missing in the everyday lately, and I don't want to let go of it again.  

On the subject of Belle and Sebastian:

Yes, I know I'm way behind, but I just picked up "I'm waking up to us" the other day, and it's utterly brilliant!  All three songs on it are among my favorites, and just bring out emotions in me that most music can't even get near....that's why I love B&S so much...they make me feel something, they don't always make me feel the same thing, even the same song can make me feel a multitude of different emotions, based on the specifics of the situation, but well, they always make me feel something, and that it truly special.  Thanks guys!

On the subject of autobiographical semi-fiction:

There is a young boy named Graham, well, not all that young I suppose, but he is certainly a boy. He is a bit of a contradiction really, both young and old, innocent yet has lived through so many painful things, clever but uses poor judgement, has hope it seems only to lose it again. He does a great deal of things which many could see as being adult...he works in an office every day, he lives on his own, pays his own bills, drinks too much, wears ties and reads lots of books, smokes too many cigarettes, makes his own tea on sunday mornings, cooks his own dinners to eat alone on the floor beside his bed. Yet he still cries sometimes because he gets scared and lonely in the dark of his tiny cold bedroom. He still day dreams every day when in his office, he make believes of foriegn lands, of wandering alone through fields and hills, and sometimes wandering in these places with someone else. He day dreams of what it would be like to have someone love him...he day dreams of what it!
 would be like to cook breakfast for someone else...and have company at meals. He dreams of a girl, but not the typical sort of girl that boys dream of....she doesn't exist in usual places, and poor Graham doesn't even know where to begin searching, and he fears it will be the death of him yet. Many fellows may dream of glamour, of someone who everyone else likes, of someone well known, and notable...he is diefferent though. She would be quiet, a bit plain, a librarian type if you will...the sort of girl who enjoys the things he does, yet often fades into the backround of any given scene...she certainly wouldn't fade into the backround of his life though. He would love her, and she would love him, a perfect match, backround chracters living out an utterly spectaluar romantic dream behind the backs of all the self absorbed socialites. It would be like their own little secret. They could be a society in of themselves. The sunday mornings they shared reading books in bed wearing !
nothing but smiles of contentment, and smoking cigarettes. Late ni
ght conversations about actual feelings, and about the future, and about maybe getting a kitten together. The little moments they would share out of the sight of everyone else. Most people wouldn't even know thier names, or even that they existed...and well, that is just how they would want it. She wouldn't long for someone more glamorous, someone with a better haircut, or who had more friends...just as he wouldn't long for the girl whom everyone lusts after....he's already had her, and a life with such a girl would be more the subject of nightmares than daydreams. This is mostly what he dreams of....and even though the dreams haven't yet come true, they still make him smile, and chase away the tears on those terrifying nights. They embrace him, and sing him softly to sleep, putting the faint hope into his innocent mind that tomorrow these matters will all be sorted 

On the subject of Ink Polaroids:

So yes, I have managed to pull a few out of my basement, and the immense pile of papers, books, and photos that resides next to my bed.

**ink polaroid #1**
It is October 2001...a chilly evening, or was it early morning...I'm sitting on Elise's couch smoking a cigarette with her, and trying desperately to warm up underneath of the blanket, but to no avail.  I'm shivering.  The cigarette is held up to my mouth with a shakey hand, and the only light in the room is coming from either the moon, or our cigarettes.  We are cuddled close to eachother, and despite being cold, life seems good.

**Ink Polaroid # 2**
It's earlier that day, a thursday, and it's a bit warmer outside than I would expect for an october day in wisconisn.  Elise and I are sitting on a stone wall, with sheer rock faces around up, and a waterfall benind us, at the end of a path through the forest.  There are beautiful hues of orange and red on all the trees around us.  We had just finished what was kind of a long walk, so we both look a little bit flushed and rosy cheeked, I have a touch of sweat on my nose, and a smile on my face.  I'm wearing black cuffed jeans, and a Smith's t-shirt.  She has on torn blue jeans, and a B&S shirt (the ampersand one) I desperately try to get the nerve to say something that I really need to tell her, but I'm too shy at that particular moment, and instead just enjoy the scenery.

There should be some more to come, I'll have to search the house again this evening when I return home from work...ink polaroids are great fun afterall!

On the subject of having to get back to work before my boss gets irate with me:

Well, there isn't too much to say about this, except that I love you all, bye bye for a bit!

Love and Pink Flamingos,
Seanie Graham

P.S. - Gillian...are you still around...I haven't heard from you??


+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
        +---+  Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list  +---+
     To send to the list mail sinister at missprint.org. To unsubscribe
     send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to
     majordomo at missprint.org.  WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister
 +-+       "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper           +-+
 +-+  "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+
 +-+    "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000     +-+
 +-+  "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000  +-+
 +-+  "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001   +-+
 +-+               Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa                 +-+
 +-+               Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut!                +-+
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+