Sinister: hair's too much muff (r.b.)

[kenneth.chu at xxx.org]

(Reporting back...)

On sinister's 5th Birthday Auntie Sadie brought the adorable 
5 year old a great big present inside a great big box!  Inside 
it was something pretty sepecial - it was a camcorder that's 
shaped like a pen!  What's more, instead of battery powered, 
it eats up ink like there's no tomorrow.

And that was just after I bought 16 batteries for a quid on 
Tottenham Court Road - it was okay though, because a boy had 
nipped down to WHSmith's and got some ink in time to make a 
film.

I plugged the tape into the player and turned on the telly 
and gasp!  It was porno!

Then I realised that I put in "Star Trek - the next penetration" 
tape in by accident.

So instead I put in the Sinister tape into the recorder, and 
GASP!  It was porno!  Just after I pressed play, I was greeted 
by a naked young man putting on a pair of Spiderman pants!  Not 
only were they red, if you pause the tape and look closely you 
can see something that you really don't want to see, and also, 
that the label of his pants said 7-8 years old, and that's pretty small!

Soon after that all I could see was Highgate tube station 
bopping up and down - it looked like the boy hadn't found the 
stabiliser button yet as he walked to the station - he then 
took a look around to see if anyone were to follow him there, there 
wasn't - but then!  When he looked forward again Sam Walton 
appeared on the screen, who said "alright!"

Abruptly (the crossfade button didn't seem to have worked), 
the scene changed to two gorgeous girls and a gorgeous boy 
sitting at a table outside a pub - one of the girls, who was 
wearing a very nice Red T-shirt, had multiple pints of beer 
lined up in front of her.

The boy seemingly had forgotten to press pause when he placed 
the camera on the table, and thus recorded all of the random 
yet witty conversations that occured.  For some reason though 
the camera was pointing directly at a girl's boobs all that time.

"Oh shit!" we heard from the boy before the scene once again suddenly 
changed, this time to a beatuiful view of London - gorgeous 
girls all on the top of a hill - shame about the buildings 
in the background which looked ugly in comparison.

Many people there looked very shy and quiet, until a little 
girl climbed onto her daddy's head and said "Hello Everybody!" 
to everybody, and they all smiled and waved back at her.

The camera then just spent the whole time either wandering about 
the hill, or getting put onto the floor and filming a wine 
bottle being picked up - how artistic!  Until we then all 
followed the camera running down a hill and eventually coming 
to a halt, with a boy in purple trousers shouting "WHERE SHALL 
WE PUT THE GOAL?" before explaining how he didn't want to get 
his new glasses smashed.

Wow, the next half an hour was pure excitement - 30 minutes 
of pure soccer action - until we see the same guy in the 
purple trousers kicking a football really hard, and in a 
typical You've Been Framed stylee, the ball hurtled right 
against the lenses of the Camera!

Either because of that football incident, or because the 
boy has once again showed his cinematic flair by putting 
on a special lens that are known as "Beer Googles", everything 
looked slightly tilted from then on and the auto-focus 
function went haywire.  We then heard a wise man's voice 
saying "Let's go to the Betsey Trotwood!"

After a beautiful shot of a tube train arriving we filmed 
a train bobbling up and down through a tunnel - apparently 
someone else had made a even better film involving a man 
from Birmingham performing Pole dancing, against a pole on 
the tube train, but that's a totally different movie.

Soon after the film started to turn surreal - it was as if 
someone was dancing to some great music whilst holding a 
camera, whilst shouting "COME AND DANCE!" really loud 
repeatedly and annoyingly.

Then, finally, probably, the best moment in the film, an 
ambient chorus of "Happy Birthday to you" was the only 
thing that could accompany the exceedingly delightful 
chocolate cake, on it were five candles and letters that 
wrote "Sinister Happy 5th Birthday".

A boy took a deep breath and managed to blow the candles 
out, then everyone cheered whilst he was catching his 
breath.  The cake was then stabbed in an evil manner by a 
knife on a bikechain, before being cut into bits and 
eaten - how sinister!

And then there was a scene of people bopping up and down 
to some top tunes, and we can hear the boy go "ohhh on 
more pleeeeease" as the camera turned to the barman who 
said "Can you make it the last song please?".  And "Happy 
New Year" by Camera Obscura faded into The Boy with the 
Arab Strap.

The last scene of the film was yet another of a tube train 
this time heading towards Highgate - and seemingly the boy 
had finally found where the fade out button was....

Reporting Back and Red Bulls
Ken
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