Sinister: the endless possibilities of apple butter

[Kevin Hyde]

Hey everybody,


All this Christmas swapping of presents has managed to re-energize me, and
alert me to the fact that I have far less money than I wish I did, which is
pretty much always a problem. However, I'm on the cusp of presenting the
local well-to-dos with a business plan that I think could very well, and
without exaggeration, take care of me and my lisper's-kiss kith, and
hanger's on, etc for the forseeable future.

It involves combining the inexplicable pull of apple butter with the
hopefully-quickly-dying garage rock revival, in the following way: the base
flavor (apples) will be combined with other, slightly quirkier flavors, in a
similar manner to various other products on the market (viz. Tropicana's
twister, Goober's ontological nightmare of jelly + peanut butter in the same
unholy jar, etc.) My three prototype flavors are these:

Grap-Apple Stranglehold (has a picture of the four remaining Strokes on the
front)- Grape Apple

Asp-Apple Crotchkick (features a non sequitur lithographical rendering of
actor Michael Ironside)- Asparagus Apple

Rasp-On-Apple Claviclebreak (an impressionist style portrait of the lead
singer of the Donnas)- Raspberry Onion Apple


All I need is about 5000 USD for the start-up capital, and I'll be set.

This email roughly approximates the letter I sent to the President of the
United States, in which I also remarked that I enjoyed his socks and
inquired as to where I could pick up a pair as snazzy as those sported by
the leader of the only country listed in the "Hot" column of Vogue's "Hot or
Not" article.

The other 'scheme' I had involved manufacturing t-shirts that had a picture
of a velociraptor on the front, eyes hidden behind a pair of jauntily-worn
ambervision sunglasses, holding a bag of candy in its left claw, with the
caption "sexual predator" beneath it. The focus group I consulted, which
consisted solely of people at a nighborhood bar, felt it was perhaps too
ahead of its time, and that I should wait to spring it upon the consuming
public.

In other news that no one could possibly find interesting, one of my best
friends is in Kenya, and is studying the runners there- more specifically,
their religion, which is an intriguing mix of Christianity and animism- and
has found time to be a Teacher's Assistant in a philosophy of science class
at the university. The students in the class have nicknamed him "Professor
Mzungu", which he claims would be the equivalent of calling an African
American teacher here "Professor McBlackmeister". Dan, my friend, said he
has had little luck in trying to get them to switch his nickname to
something slightly less racially-based, like 'Megatron'.


There was a point to this email, and I think it should be patently obvious.


Anyway. Looking forward to sending off my presents, and in return, lord
willing, receiving brown paper packages of foreign pornography.


sleep tight everyone,


Kevin

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