Sinister: crappy sobby story #2

[pulu xxx]

i apologize for this in advance.. 
i don't how to start, but i went google and wrote his
(ex again!!) lastname on it, then i saw his little
broher's name in it as he had taken part at this GO
game happening thing, so i thought i see his picture,
but HE the ex was in it too. smiling happily, and the
happening thing was in my hometown.. and to this day
i've been worrying how he was doing, and apparently he
is fine, and i'm still in this bluddy shape.
pretending to be over it. i'm just shaking and feel
like crying. i just wanted to get confirmation that
what happened was right and justified that he was
doing so badly that we couldn't be together and he
needed time for himself, but i can't help thinking
that it was just because of me that i just made him
miserable. what if i do that to everyone, what if
everyone has to seek psychiatric help after being with
me?
i never wanted to make him feel so sick, never ever,
but i did. and i hate myself for not being able to
forget him, and hate myself for whining about it. why
can't i just let him go! i hate myself for crying
after seeing a picture of him.
i was just searching info about this exam i'm about to
have in couple of hours, it's about philosophy and
science and i can't go to the exam, not after this,
cos i'm about to start crying more and it's easy to
hide behind this computer, and i don't have enough
hankerchiefs to blow my bluddy nose. that fucking
picture is in my head and i see him and i don't know
whether there was some sort of remark about the
photographer (a girl) and him like they'd have
something going on. but it's just that he was here in
this town and i wish he would've let me known, even if
we would've not met, but still. and just lately i've
been thinking about the things he said when we really
broke up, when he didn't answer my phone calls, he
said that too many things disappointed him, and i
think i know some of the reasons, but too many; like
there'd be immense amount of things that i did wrong
or wasn't capable of doing.
today i went to this department store to see what kind
of after shaves they have, cos i'm buying some for my
dad as a christmas present, so they had this 'live
jazz' that was his scent. so now i have little bit of
it on this piece of paper and i've been smelling it
every now and then today, and it maked me feel safer
like there'd be something still going on, but now i
know there isn't. i'm not going to get even merry
christmas from him not even on a text message. i'd
love to bang my head on the wall, and i'd love to
scream and to cry, and swear loudly, and pull my hair.
i thought i was getting over him, i thought i wouldn't
feel like this. it'll be a year now in what 10 days..
i'd like to get drunk as well, but then when i've got
a hangover everything feels so much worse. all those
fucking latin sentences nihil difficil amante or
something, he knew all those, and i only knew few of
them and he wondered how i knew so little. fuck latin
and philosophy, fuck school and bloody universities
i'm just so tired of it and this. i look like a mess,
running red nose and swollen red eyes. 
thinking of chocolate chip cookies used to make me
feel better, but i just couldn't care less, i just
want to smoke and drink, and that exam: 2 hours left,
but i just can't do it, i don't even know where to go,
where i'd feel better. i can't help wondering whether
am i just so self-centered that seeing him smiling
made me feel this bad? i feel like throwing up when
thinking about that picture of him smiling at the
camera. feeling so much better without me. 
i'm sorry for this and all the swearing. please, don't
hate me for whining, and having a crappy self-esteem.
i just needed to write.

me


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