Sinister: A sinister panto: Beans And The Beanstalk, part 1

Thu Dec 26 02:52:55 GMT 2002

BEANS AND THE BEANSTALK
Scene 1
A winter's day 
In a deep and dark December

Stuart, and flatmate, Chris Beans Geddes. 

Stuart: Chris, well, it looks like well have to sell
the old cow. We need some money. I dunno how much
well get for her. Take her to market and see what you
can get, Chris. Im trusting you not to mess up on
this. We need money for food, the TV license and to
pay the leccy bill, and maybe still have some for the
cinema. 

Chris: Yeah. Itll be sad to get rid of her.

Stuart: Well, goodbye Isobel.

Chris: You not coming?

Stuart: Nah. Gonna watch the telly.

Chris: Whats on the box?

Stuart: Man About The House

Chris: .. With Paula Wilcox?

Stuart: Aye.

Chris: Kewl.

[Chris takes Isobel to market. He swaps her for some
Northern Soul records, ignoring Stuarts advice.]

Chris: not in any way definitive, just my current
faves. These are great!

Stuart: (rubbing hands gleefully) so lets see chris!
How much did you get us?

Chris: I met a man today. He told me something pretty
strange. There's always somebody saying something, He
said, "The world is as soft as lace." It reminded me
of records. So I ended up record shopping.  Look, I
got this neat record, by Frank Wilson    Do I Love You
(Indeed I Do). This is my favourite at the moment,
sends shivers down the spine from start to finish. A
great dance beat and a storming vocal that is
heartfelt but not too sentimental. A perfect record.

[Stuarts face drops.]

Stuart: spluttering you got records??

Chris: yeah, Lots of these tunes are pretty easy to
get on compilations.

Stuart: you got records????

Chris: Yeah. Theyre great. Youll love them.

Stuart: (face like thunder) I dont love ANYTHING

Chris: Not even Christmas?

Stuart: Especially not that!

Chris: hey Stuart, you look like your about to
explode

[Stuart gasps, turns on his heel, and walks out the
room.]

Chris: Nice day for a sulk

[goes back to looking at his records.]

[Stuart re-enters the room, picks up some of the
records, and in a rage, smashes them, and throws them
out the window, in a fit of rocknroll madman antics.
Chris looks on, shocked.]

Chris: Whadja do that for?

Stuart: I asked you to get us some money!

Chris: Records are valuable! and for a small fee I'll
dj in your front room.

Stuart: we need money. Chris, we need cash for food.
Your djing at school discos wont get us far, will it?
Its not as if theyre paying you.  For men with guns,
maturing in age will always pay a shitty wage. They'll
always pay a shitty wage

Chris: oh, yeah

Stuart: (mocking) oh, yeah
 yer shoelace is undone by
the way

[Chris bends over to tie his lace. As he does so, he
accidentally bumps a Ming vase, which was sitting on
the edge of a table. Stuart screams like a girl.]

Stuart: Youre an untied state of calamity!

Chris: HEY! 
It was an accident!

Stuart: What are we gonna do? We have no money. You
swapped Isobel for some records. You know we dont
stand a chance. 

[Chris sighs heavily. A solitary tear rolls down
Chris cheek.]

Stuart Aye. Thats right. Hang your head in shame and
cry your life away.

Chris: well you didnt have to smash up my records.
What is it I must do to pay for all my crimes? What is
it I must do? I would do it all the time.

Stuart (patting Chris on the shoulder, affectionately,
but in a manly way): Chris, where did you go wrong?
You used to make me smile when I was down

[Chris sobs a bit more.]

Stuart: Look. Chris. What have we got left? I got rid
of my car
 and I loved my car. 

Chris (interupting): yeah, and GAVE AWAY the money to
CHARITY. And you have the nerve to have a go at me. If
you had specs, Id call you a speccy fucker. 

Stuart: Thats not the point

Chris: No? At least I got something back for Isobel. I
got records. And now you smashed them up, and I got
nothing!

[Stuart throws the record pieces out the window.]

Stuart: There. NOW youve got nothing.

Chris: Git.

[Stuart and Chris go to their respective bunk beds,
fighting on the ladder for the top bunk. Stuart, being
an ex-boxer n all, wins. Chris lies on the bottom
bunk grumbling.]

Stuart: Go to sleep!

Chris: No you go to sleep first!

[The argument over who goes to sleep first rages on
for half an hour, resulting in both falling asleep.]

TO BE CONTINUED.....

=====
<a href="http://retrosec.blogspot.com/">http://retrosec.blogspot.com/</a> thoughts

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