Sinister: Nice Day For a Sulk

[Kate Keenan]

Hi Sinister,

I just got all inspired by James Gilmer's terrific post and I want to add my
two philosophical cents worth on happiness/sadness and zen things:

I think James is so right when he says that "we aren't our pain. We aren't
our sadness or our shyness or even our happiness."  And also, "But you don't
realize you can take the glasses off. That you're not your loneliness and
you're not your sadness or any of that."

But I've struggled a lot with the fact that I may know that my mood is
self-imposed but I still can't seem to fucking get rid of it at times.  I
thought it was a lack of willpower on my part.  Or lack of true desire to
get rid of it.  So that added guilt to powerlessness to the original mood
and just made matters worse.

I read a book about a type of Zen practice called Shambhala.  Now, I'm
loathe to try to be an expert on it to 1500 strangers but from what I
gather, it's a secular type of Buddism.

Anyway, I don't know much about zen at all but from what I learned about
Shambhala it's not about detatchment so much (or "sitting on a mountain and
staring at your belly button" which I never really understood about zen
practice, myself.)  but about totally being here in the world, not above or
outside of the world at all.

The part about it that I agree with the most is its suggestion that moods
are moods.  You will get them.  They are like the weather.  When you
meditate you will think about your grocery list or have a bitchy thought.
Even if you understand that you needn't be unhappy, you will get depressed
and caught up in silly things from time to time.  Once you think you are
beyond impure thoughts and feelings, you're in big trouble.  That's
delusion.

You can't beat yourself up over your moods.  That's just more nasty energy.
You have to have a light touch and a sense of humour about the whole thing.
You've got to love yourself (sorry for the corniness) and love that you're
such a loser.  Be there in your failure to be a perfect person.  Stick with
yourself.  Don't try to disown yourself like a friend you're ashamed of
being seen with by the cool kids.

Don't repress your moods but don't let them carry you away either.  Ride
them out like a tree in a storm.  (think Tree Lullaby, if you were hoping
for some content in this post)  They can touch you and shake you - in fact
it's BEST if they touch you.  You're living in this world after all.  You
might as well experience it fully.  Take everything as an opportunity to
feel things more deeply.  Be curious.

This is not to say mope and wallow.  Don't hang onto a mood or use it to
thwack in other people's faces.  Don't hide out in a mood or let it define
you.  But admit that you're feeling it.  Don't be ashamed to feel it.  As
soon as you get the strength to open up within a mood, the strength to break
free of it will naturally follow.
Anyway, that's what Shambhala suggests and I've never read a philosophy that
suited me more.

One more thing:

When my dad died, a friend of mine gave me a piece of paper with a story on
it he'd written about a King whose son goes away to fight and never ever
returns.  The King is distraught and nothing will console him. The people
try everything they can think of but nothing will lift the King's sorrow.
One day an old man turns up and gives him a ring engraved with four words.
He tells the King that these four words have the power to make sad people
happy and happy people sad.  That was the end of the story.

Then my friend gave me a box.  Inside was a ring engraved with the words
"This too shall pass".  The ring catched my attention in little silver
flashes in my saddest and happiest moments.  It's a good reminder and a good
wake up call.

Love,

Kate

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