Sinister: I will Kenfess to Chu

[Rachel fruitloop]

Hello Sinister!

The Cat's PJs asked me why I tend to put Ken Chu in my subject lines
and the answer is simple.  Because Ken needs special attention and
he's cute! Okay, my real reason is more self-serving. It's because it
makes ME laugh.  A lot. 

Twice now, I have compiled my favorite bits of your posts to comment
on in my very own post, and it just seems to be stagnant, so I don't
post anything.  It's not because what you kitties are posting isn't
good (in fact, it's been grate lately!), it's just that I am finding
that my method is becoming a bit too "post-by-numbers" for my liking
(although the number thing might excite you Kirsten, I still suck at
math!)  So, I'm just going to write...

Stine thought about me when she heard "Beautiful" the other day and
she wrote about crying when she read my post about how I assimilate
my life on anti-depressant medication to that song. I cried when I
read that Stine remembered mine, I was so touched. That was one of my
first posts to the list, before I had adopted the name Fruitloop. 
Actually, that post was one of the reasons I took on the name... I
didn't necessarily want to be known as "crazy" Rachel and it was a
good way of referring to myself as crazy whilst strengthening the
!Viva Rachels! movement in breakfast moniker solidarity with Rachel
Cornflake and the other "breakfast" Rachels to follow.  So, there's a
bit of a refresher course in Sinister Rachels history.  If you want
to read my post (the rest of this might make more sense if you do),
it's in the archives from September 21st and it's called Crazy
"Beautiful" (I'd put a link in here but I'm too sexy!) 

This sort of relates to what Jimmy Gilmer had written about not
owning your moods and what Kate had written about Zen ideas.  I deal
with it in a different way. I don't own my moods because I am on a
drug.  I accept the fact that I need medication. I see now that my
fear of always being noticably medicated and having my feelings
behind a barrier or wall was only an occurance that happened with the
particular medication I was on (Zoloft, for those who wonder). Some
members of my family still do not support my decision to be
medicated, but I think it's mainly because these members of my family
know that they probably need medication, too,(doctors have
recommended it to them, even!) but they fear the stigma of it more
than anything else. If it were anyone else but my family, I could say
"screw them, I won't be ashamed for taking a drug that helps me
function in all aspects of my life" but when it's my mother,
especially... the shame is indescribable. But mostly I find myself
feeling good because I know myself and like myself well enough to
make my life better, and I know that this can be achieved with
medication.

Since I posted in mid-September, several things have happened that
have changed me.  They all directly relate to Sinister. A response to
my Crazy "Beautiful" post was from Elise Spry who happens to work in
a psych clinic and she suggested I try a different medication called
Celexa, which I have been on since November. What a HUGE difference! 
I am no longer zombiefied by Zoloft and the side effects are so
minimal that I don't even notice ANY! I am so much happier.  And
Elise became a very good friend from that first contact on.  She is
so sweet!  Switching medication wasn't a hard transition physically,
it's just that mentally I had a lot riding on this switch... I
thought THIS was the answer to the fashion blues, and I just didn't
know what I would do if it wasn't. But so far it has been wonderful.
So I'm going to have to find a new song to assimilate with my life...


I am not saying that everyone should go on medication because they're
depressed.  I am also not saying that I'm "unique" I'm actually "only
slightly mental"... I have panic attacks that are crippling when I am
not medicated and I'm under a lot of stress. The medication helps
that.  I also tend to be very pessimistic by nature, and I dwell on
things I shouldn't.  I don't do that so much now, the little things
don't get to me anymore now that I am on medication.  I don't get
absorbed in that downward spiral of dwelling on misery. My uncle once
said that even as a small child I was "plugged into the world" at a
very young age and I can clearly recall being depressed and even
angry a lot of the time at the injustices of being a child.  This is
just the way my mind works.  I tend to analyse and dissect things and
try to figure it all out.  I can't help but view the world in terms
of blacks and whites with very little grays.  The medication helps me
see the grays. And anyone who wishes to talk about medication and
mental health with me more is welcome to e-mail me personally.

I should also mention that my Crazy "Beautiful" post also got me my
first list crush vote and it happened to be from Ben Apps. I credit
that post, this list, and Belle & Sebastian for bringing the love of
my life to me. So, you lonely kids who joined Jenny Payne's
Sini-Valentine Exchange, watch out! You never know when the next
legendary Sinister romance will be born! 

Have fun in Brighton, kitties!

love to you all,
Rachel fruitloop



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