Sinister: every day is a dream come true in your S Club 7 house of the future

[JENOWL22 at xxx.com]

Hewwo,

I never can decide if I like children or not. I like the ones that don't try 
and be mini growedups. But I don't like the ones who are too old for dolls at 
7, wear make up at 8, get unsquared at 9 to a 12 year old with a low mental 
age, have their first suicide attempt at 10 and their first abortion by 11. 

The pixies in my room have been acting up again. I was playing my guitar, and 
suddenly my goldfish told me it needed fed so I said can't you wait and it 
said no and i said ok, and I put my pink plectrum down on the bed and fed 
bubbles and he said thank you and then I turned back around and the pixies 
had taken the plectrum. So I looked around for it for 15 minutes because its 
my best plectrum, before I started to get really annoyed, because you can't 
just take things without asking and pixies couldn't even use my plectrum on 
account of them being so small and invisible. Eventually though I gave up, 
and decided to brush my hair instead. 

So I opened my drawer to get my purple hairbrush and you'll never believe 
what was sitting there. My pink plectrum. But the point is i left it on the 
bed so the pixies either slipped up or they wanted me to know they were there 
and they were laughing at me. But I don't think there were hard feelings even 
though I yelled at them and tried to trap them in a bit of paper.

Maybe they're not invisible really, maybe they're purple and you just can't 
see them because everything else in my room is purple.

I got full marks for my english essay and its the second time in a row, and 
there was this yah boy bragging about his full marks and saying no one would 
beat it and then I told him I had and his face was funny.

My fish tried to kill himself the other week. I was changing his water and he 
jumped right out of the net and down the back of my chest of drawers and i 
had to move them out only they were really heavy and it took me ages and I 
was so worried that he would be dead because I love my fish more than 
anything in the world but in the end he was ok i think. I got really 
hysterical when it happened though, I was so worried for him, and then 
afterwards I cried and cried because if he's so unhappy he wants to kill 
himself then it must mean he hates living with me and even my friend ingrid 
who is mental said that he must hate me, but then someone told me that fish 
just do that, and they aren't intelligent enough to get depressed but my fish 
is really special. How many fish do you know that talk?

Toy Stephen said a whole lot of really depressing stuff about being mental 
which I skipped and then:

<< She
turned up on the doorstep with my gift -- a bottle of
Prozac. She smiled willfully, proud of herself, & I
brightened. Now I think I was happy just to admit
(however symbolically) to someone that things didnt
feel right. She left, I rushed into my room, shut the
door, and opened the bottle. The usage instructions
were curled and stuft under the cap. I poured the
pieces into my hand -- and looked at a palmful of
rainbow Skittle candies.>>


And I think that, in most ways, Skittles are better than Prozac. Because they 
work on so many more levels. There's the smell which is so exciting, they 
smell like rainbow, and the colours which make you feel all happy that 
someone went to all the trouble to make them look so pretty when all you're 
going to do is eat them, and the fact that when you scoop lots up in your 
hands they rattle and feel all smooth, and you can choose whether you pick 
out the colours you like best or take pot luck, or put loads in your mouth at 
once or not, and you get dye all over your fingers and sometimes your tongue 
goes all rainbowy and they taste nice too. But the point is they're cheerful 
and not in an irritating way but in the kind of way that if you have them you 
have to join in with the cheerfulness and they make you be cheered up, and 
because its the kind of cheerfulness that makes you see good things about the 
world, you don't feel empty like you might if you took a drug.

There's other stuff that's better than Prozac too like trees and purple and 
my fish and looking at barbie dolls in shops and ribena and the chocolate 
fish out of ben and jerry's fish food and when someone tells you they want to 
be like you and my inpending spider of wonder and magic. And if there's 
nothing good at all in your life then you're just lying because you can take 
two steps outside and I bet you can spot at least 10 amazing things from 
where you're standing. Oh and there's music too, and I don't mean bands that 
feel your pain man, I mean bands that make your pain go away, and tell you 
things can be ok and that you should bounce. You can cry, just don't do it 
all the time, it gets irritating.

I have an interview for university on Tuesday. For dentistry in Dundee. I 
want to be a dentist because I like teeth, and I don't want to be anything 
else, but I'm very nervous because it's also my first choice uni and I really 
really want to leave home and catholic school and go somewhere where I 
probably won't get a kicking and I can even be what I always wanted to be. 
But I have to make them want me there and I don't know if I can do that. I 
went for my mock interview at school and they said I was crap and 
unknowledgable. Damn, that wasn't what I was trying to sound like.

Ooh, it's Valentines Day soon. I'm looking forward to it because I have a 
date (*sticks tongue out*) and I'm going for a meal and everything. And not 
only that, he's flying up from England especially and im wearing a denim 
skirt and and and and and and and wait for it, on the 16th I'm getting my 
spider yay woo and other glad sounding words. I still don't know what I'm 
calling her though.

Someone called me darling and said "love ya babe" to me.

Ingrid keeps trying to make me feel guilty about eating meat, even though 
I've already pointed out that, being vegetarian, I don't do that. And for 
drinking milk, although I do that, and I don't care that it's supposed to 
have pus in, it tastes nice and it's good for my teeth and it goes in ben and 
jerry's ice cream.

hugs,
Jen


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