Sinister: i'm so excited and i just can't hide it

[bus stoppers]

hello everyone and a good morning to you...

i think that i will start my post with a bit of b&s content as i
am way too excited about coachella!!  b&s AND bjork.  how will i
contain all of the joy?  plus they are on separate days which
gives me an 'excuse' to go both days...it will be better than
last year.  not even bringing up the fact that i am NOT going to
get heat exhaustion this year.  a bunch of friends, good music,
a giant field, and camping.  *sigh*  plus the pot i plan to
smuggle in my bra.

valentine's day is just around the corner.  my sinister
valentine john is suuper nice.  (hi john!...your package will be
in the mail soon i pwomise.)  maybe i will have a good
valentine's day for once.  does anyone else not like that day,
or is it just me and my selfish self-misery?


cunning andre wrote:

"And I've officially become THE MOST PATHETIC PERSON ON
SINISTER.  
Last week I 
signed up for one of those internet dating sites.  I don't know 
what more can 
possibly be said about that."


sweetie, you aren't the only pathetic sinister...i have one as
well.  it was the middle of the night and i was suffering from
an extra-excruciating case of insomnia.  it was kinda as a joke,
but surprisingly i have gotten 2 replies.  one from a guy who
was super handsome and the other from a man more than twice my
age.  that one was a bit unnerving as he was almost 50 years
old.  if you show me yours, i'll show you mine...

for my happy news...i got my first real paycheck on friday after
not getting one for months.  first i got my cell phone turned
back on.  then i mailed a friends' belated christmas present. 
then i got to go to the store and buy some lotions!  though this
might sound like an un-event, it's actually a very exciting
thing.  i work in a cafe and thus, constantly washing my hands. 
i got to splurge and buy fancy semi-expensive lotion.  relief.

there are lotions there are potions you can take to hide your
shame from all those prying eyes

some people have been posting about depression, hard times, and
medication.  i thought i would join the red wagon and post a bit
about it too.  it has taken me seven years to finally get over
things.  it all started when i was 14 and the first suicide
attempt.  and it all ended with getting my heart broken a coupla
days before this past new year's holiday.

the seven years have been a long tiring journey through my soul.
 but i am grateful for it, for if i had not made it through it
all, i wouldn't be where i am today.  i mean, more power to
those who can do it without going through crying all the time. 
i have had to accept that i am just not one of those people.  as
far as suggestions and personal testimonies of 'cures'...i tried
counceling, medication, and forcing myself to be happy.  i tried
to do it on my own and i tried to rely on friends and family.

counciling just flat out didn't do any good.  though probably
mostly my fault as i didn't stick with it.  it might have
worked, who knows.  the anxiety medication worked for a little
while until i tried to take the whole bottle at the same time. 
and whenever i tried to go out and make up my mind to be happy,
i was pretending.  living a "fake happy" life made everything
else worse.

i tried to get help from my parents.  long story short.  i know
they love me, but they just didn't know how to deal with me. 
even to this day, we can't just have a conversation.  it's very
sad really.  it's one of the one things that i wish was
different.  dropping hints to my friends that something was
wrong, only pushed most of them away.  that was my own fault. 
who the hell was i to drag them into something that they didn't
want to deal with.  

after that i didn't really have anyone, but myself.  and the
knowledge of where i needed to be mentally and physically.

i have posted about it before, but my grandfather is what helped
me completely snap out of it.  i forget who it was or exactly
what was said, but it was mentioned that all this talk about
being depressed is more a subject of selfishness.  i believe
this to be right, but not at the same time.  does that make
sense?  i mean, part of it all is sometimes a physicality that
you might not be aware of and sometimes it's an extended pity
party.  

maybe it's all a general grey area that maybe there is no set
cure or set definition.  some people go through it and some
don't.  sometimes it breaks you and sometimes it makes you
stronger.  

there was a point to my story...oh...the lotion.  but now i
can't really remember the application.  hmm.  i'm sorry about
the tangent.  but i will end with more b&s content:

"storytelling".

how to begin.  i didn't really fancy the movie too much for it's
"movie value".  it's just...awkward.  i mean, i was just
disappointed about paying nine whole dollars for it.  the
soundtrack was wonderful though.  and yeah, everytime i listen
to "the state i am in" i occasionally have a mental picture i
wish i didn't.  there were a lot of extended silences.  i wish
he would do something like "welcome to the dollhouse" awkward
again, and maybe move away from the happiness awkward.

todd s. does get credit in my book though for getting b&s to do
his soundtrack.  he must not be all that bad?

off to work,
sara

p.s...everyone go get your tickets on march 2nd!!  yippie!!!




=====
all the people'd stare as if we were both quite insane

someday my name and his are going to be the same

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