Sinister: A time to mourn, and a time to dance...

[Sillylorna at xxx.com]

hey everyone. I've just been sitting here with lots of thoughts in my head so 
thought i'd write them down. ignore all the typos. i'm tired. 

it's the 14th feb 2002, valentines day. grandmas in hospital at the moment. 
mum and dad went to see her today and she didn't want any visitors. dad 
thinks (and i agree) that she wants to go to sleep and wake up in heaven, 
therefore gets annoyed when she wakes up and is still in hospital. she's like 
a baby, with her cup always by her side, if not, in her hand. i went to see 
her day before yesterday. I'm glad i did because she seemed quite content, 
although she did say she wanted to go to heaven. mum also said that grandma 
had said she was lookng forward to seeing her wee boy, michael (my brother). 
and how she can argue with grandad on the way up.. that made her laugh.. lol

My poor wee grandma. i just want her to be back to normal. i've always just 
thought of grandma being there all my life. this obviously isn't to be. mum 
said tonight that she's going to pass away any day. just really waiting for 
it now. i look in the fridge and her liver pate, and trifles are there. that 
makes me smile. 

i have the flu right now and i feel kinda bad, in comparison to what 
grandma's going through. you know i missed her at christmas, i'm just glad 
our family, and me aren't that petty over things like that. she knows i love 
her, and i know she loves me. what more could i want? christmas is just a 
day. she's a lovely woman. except when she's nasty.. lol  thats down to that 
thing in her head.. erm.. senaile demenshia, spelt so wrong. they say she 
takes it out on family first. i feel for mum. it's as if she's trying so hard 
to get grandma to say something to her, like 'i love you val' but when mum 
says i love you mum, she just says i love you all. i wish she'd say something 
for mum. and mum only. 

she went in on thursday, a week ago today. i was at paul's, then college in 
the afternoon, i went to get glasses from salmonies and when i got back into 
the car, dad said ot me, 'you know grandmas in hospital dont you?' i just 
thought, as did everyone else, that it was just a bug, and she'd get over it. 
it was an infection, which i think has cleard up but grandmas just ran out of 
life. 

i dont like having regrets. i dont belive in them. i think some of my other 
relatives will have them though, grandma thought the world of them all and 
she hadn't seen the kids in 3 years. since her 80th birthday party, norma and 
vic came up for mums 50th though., hey thats something. we've got the video 
of grandma at the party! thats a funny one. thats got paul in too. like an 
era in my life. 

Its scary how much things can change within the space of a week. a few weeks 
ago i was dodging the house cause grandma was here,. me and paul stayed with 
each other in dundee, because we wouldn't be able to sleep in the same room 
if she was here. cause ya know paul sleeps in stevens old room.. *wink wink*  
but when she got the cold, i didn't mind her being here, i even offered her 
my telly in her room!

i knew something was going ot happen. i remember sitting on her steps outside 
her house. i couldn't bare it. i thought to myself this was going to be the 
last time she was in there, with me. i felt something in all the rooms. maybe 
it was god, watching over her. i'm glad she has faith, something to grasp 
onto in her time of need. she's more excited to see michael and grandmad than 
the fear of where she's going., she knows where shes going. to heaven. 

i feel like going to church and praying for grandma but i'm scared incase all 
the people come up to me and ask why i'm there. i'll ask paul if he'll go 
with me on sunday. 

'to everything there is a season, a time for purpose under heaven:
a time to be born, a time to die...
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a  time to dance...
a time to gain, and a time to lose...'

that's my favourite piece of the bible. I'm not really a religious person. i 
just belive that there's something there, call it anything you want. whatever 
you belive in, i also think the bible was stories passed down generations and 
generations, all exaggerated to give the stories more morals and purpose, a 
sort of guide to life. which is fine, i'm not saying thats bad. i think it's 
the best thing ever happened to the world.

i have a friend that knows what i'm going through, that helps greatly. her 
gran passed away. it's good to talk to her, not even about our grans, but 
about concerts, gossip, just to know that life does move on. and athough her 
gran has gone. she still has love for her. this is the first sort of mourning 
i'm ever going to have to go through, well apart from my cat fluffy.
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