Sinister: Fw: was she scared, was she bored?

[Rachel Playforth]

this may not have worked the first time.  if it did, god, i'm so sorry to
inflict this on you twice.

-- Begin original message --

> From: r.playforth at xxx.uk (Rachel Playforth)
> Date: Fri, 15 Feb 2002 14:05:40 +0000 (GMT Standard Time)
> Subject: was she scared, was she bored?
> To: sinister at missprint.org
> 
> well, the internet is bust here and since that's what usually gets me
> through the day (that and the odd appearance of a gorgeous guy/girl or
> some erupting row amongst my bosses), i have to post to sinister
> instead.  which is bad in a way because i don't have much
> content/gossip/smut/scintillating wit to share today.
> 
> last weekend's shenanigans made me feel young and crazy again, and
> subsequently i've been pondering the elusive concept of adulthood.  i
> can never seem to get a real handle on 'growing up'.  am i grown up now?
>  now?  next year?  when?  sometimes it hits me like a lightning bolt
> that, yes, this must be it.  letting myself into my own flat (well,
> rented) with my own key, going into my own kitchen and unpacking my own
> shopping, preparing dinner for my own parents as i did on tuesday - just
> these minor things can stop me in my tracks - woah, i'm an adult.  and
> it can be a good or a bad feeling.  on tuesday i was overwhelmed with a)
> relief and b) surprise.  relief, because i don't have to suffer all the
> trials of being a teenager any more (and, however unique a teenager you
> are, some of those trials *are* universally teenage), and surprise
> because i can't remember at what point i stopped suffering them, and
> acquired a job, a bank account, a flat, contents insurance, a boyfriend,
> a credit card, and the ability to use them all appropriately while not
> having to tell mum what time i'll be home.
> 
> but then sometimes i don't feel like an adult at all, but like a little
> girl who gets nervous talking on the phone*, doesn't understand
> inflation or interest rates or the situation in the middle east, expects
> a stocking at christmas, and is too scared to try for a proper job where
> she actually has to take responsibilty.
> 
> and yet... it's all relative.  my sister (aged 20) turned up at my flat
> that same tuesday night at around 11pm, complaining drunkenly that her
> friends had called her a 'Loser' for leaving the pub early, accompanied
> by american-style L-shaped gestures.  'they're so immature', she said,
> 'i mean, i did this <makes double L-shape with first fingers and thumbs>
> back to them, obviously, but they still think i'm the sad one.'  (no
> hint of irony.)  then: 'does that mean lesbian?' asked my mum.  'well,
> in MY culture it means Loser', said my sister.
> 
> the whole thing about different cultures is strange, because my sister
> is only 3 years younger than me, and yet she identifies herself
> COMPLETELY differently.  just as 17-year-olds have a totally different
> frame of reference even to her.  matt pointed out that in 10 or 20 years
> time we could be in a pub and overhear adults who don't seem that much
> younger than us talking nostalgically about pokemon.
> 
> did i have a point?  not really.
> 
> i wonder if belle & sebastian are a particularly regressive sort of
> band?  i mean, nu-metal is more obviously juvenile, but maybe it's just
> a different side of the same coin.  limp bizkit and offspring glorify
> the shouty, sulky, toilet humour side of adolescence, whereas b&s give
> us the tormented, misunderstood, bullied side.  do those of us who like
> b&s (those of us, that is, who AREN'T still teenagers) secretly feel
> that we haven't properly grown up yet, that we'll never rule the school,
> that the world is still not made for us?  do we feel bullied by real
> life?  are we just scared to grow up, godammit?
> 
> well, maybe i'm just talking to/for myself here.
> 
> i should mention other people's posts, but a) i can never remember later
> what, at the time, made me laugh/sigh/think/well up and b) just thinking
> about other people's posts makes me feel inadequate.  oh, ally cook
> posted.  that was nice.  and if i could write half as well as lindsey
> lou i'd pack in my job right now and write a novel.
> 
> given the self-referential nature of sinister, does it count as content
> to refer to other listees?  i'm never sure.
> 
> the lights are on, but there's no-one home.
> 
> luv archel xxx
> 
> ps. peter carter asked about brighton photos on the web - as for mine, i
> haven't developed the film yet and may not get to a scanner for a while
> anyway.  but hopefully others will be more efficient?
> 
> pps. i am eating frisps.  they claim 'it's not a crisp - it's a frisp',
> but it might as well be a crisp as far as i can see.  i mean, 'crisp'
> covers quite a lot, doesn't it?  could they be done for false
> advertising?
> 
> 
> * i think i actually have a medical condition.  when i have to phone a
> stranger, whether a publisher or a bookshop or my insurance company, i
> have to remove layers of clothing to minimise the sweating and write
> down what i'm going to say beforehand.  is this totally weird?
> 
> ******************
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> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 

-- End original message --


******************
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