Sinister: Spring Onions, Beans, Jeans

[Kenneth P Y Chu]

.. Would be a possible shopping list for someone shopping in TESCOs.

The more I think the more I get disturbed by the prospects that one could be 
obsessed with the supermarket, but I think I am.  Especially the huge ones, 
because they're so huge, and that someone had built it.

Sometimes I walk along the town I would look at the brickwalls and houses 
and bridges and imagine when they were being built, and how proud they must 
feel that they made something that would probably still be there in 100 
years, or if they're lucky be found in godknowshowlong later by some 
archeologists who'd think that the underpass through a dual carriageway was 
some religious shrine and that there's some divine meaning to the words "KEN 
WOZ ERE".

But after thinking that, the empire of reality would always strike back, and 
I'd remember about that smelly nob of a bricklayer who jumped to the bar in 
front of me, and any kind of romantic thoughts would immediately cease.

Anyway, I digress like lava at the end of archetypal volcano movies, I was 
talking about supermarkets, well I had a bit of adverture there last night, 
first I picked up some spring onions, and carefully placed it in one of 
those clear plastic bags, and tied one of those clever knots that you do to 
clear plastic bags, placed it in my trolley and carried on shopping.  Bought 
all the essential ingredients for making a curry, like curry powder, and a 
crate of beer, and went to the check-out.

I parked my trolley neatly at the end of one of the check-out queues, until 
an old lady decided to park her trolley aloneside, in parallel with, and 
right next to mine, so very naturally as if it were a normal, rational, and 
sane thing to do!  It was so weird, but I remembered that sign on the London 
Underground that said "Please give up your place to the elderly and thus 
mentally insane", so I moved myself onto the next counter without an 
argument.

Okay okay I moved because I was cared of her because she looked like an evil 
version of Dot Cotton!  She's probably a brick layer.

I bet it was one of those prank TV shows where they put unsuspecting people 
through weird situations and see how they respond - I always get paranoid 
about being on one of those shows and so I always have to make sure that I'm 
absolutely on my own before I do embarassing things like picking my nose 
then biting my nails (um, I'm joking here) - if you see a pretty Chinese boy 
on TV getting bullied by an evil looking version of Dot Cotton of 
Eastenders, that'd be me.

BUT that's not the main story, the main story is that when I got to the 
other check-out, and put all my shopping to the CBP: Conveyer Belt of 
Payment, MY SPRING ONIONS DISAPPEARED!  I looked everywhere for it, and it 
was nowhere to be seen, and I checked every inch of my trolley and there 
wasn't a gap that my poor green produce could have fallen through.  So I 
concluded that it was either:

1) magic
2) an I.S.O.T. - INTERNATIONAL SPRING ONION THIEF
3) I was on one of those prank shows where they steal spring onions off you 
and see how you'd react - if you see a pretty chinese boy looking like a 
grade A plonker rummaging through his shopping, that'd be me.

Never mind.  A good thing that happened today is that my temps agency gives 
out free sandwiches and crisps every Friday, and this afternoon I have 
received some of the most bizarre flavours of sandwiches and crisps, namely 
"Chicken and Stuffing Sandwiches", and "Spring Onion flavoured crisps"?!

On the Ingredients of the Crisps it said...

Ingredients: Potatoes, Vegetable Oil, Spring Onion Flavour (Maltodextrin - 
salt - dried onion - sugar - dried yeast extract - dried whole milk - dried 
yeast - potassium chloride - flavouring - sunflower oil - malic acid - dried 
garlic - wheat flour)

Yes, I think the I.S.O.T. had got them too.

Spring Onions and Red Bulls
Ken

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